Happy Happy, Joy Joy

It's been awhile since I've wrote, but I guess I just haven''t had the time to. Things have been really busy at school. Exams, finals and too many papers but I'm happy to be home.

I know it's old and people say it every year but I am really thankful for the things I have. It's terrible that I don't have this feeling everyday. That I don't appreciate it more, but I guess everyone comes to a realization. This thanksgiving nothing changed in my household. The same arguements, the same jokes, the same parents and siblings. Some for the good and some for the bad. But the one thing that hasn't changed is the love that I have for them. I missed my Mom so much. I couldn't wait to get back just to see her and talk. That was my main drive for coming home a day early. My friends, with out a doubt, I missed too.

Yesterday a couple of us went to the city in this Black Friday madness. It was a ton of fun. Rando, Kwame, Mikey, Cherease, and even Phillip ! It was honestly a great day/night shopping around, eating at Dallas BBQ's and going to the movies. As much as things have changed with everyone away at college or just not in the same place it felt good that nothing changed about the way we feel toward each other. I know I sound like I'm talking about a "relationship", but I don't think people understand how I feel. When I befriend someone there not just someone who lends a hand or crying shoulder. They are always engraved in my heart no matter how old we get, how far a apart we become or how long we go with out seeing each other. I went home last night feeling as if I had made friends for a lifetime and I'm greatful that we stay in touch.

So I go back to Albany tomorrow, which I'm not really looking forward to. But I'm not sad at all because I'll be back sooner than I know it. :)

[__________]

I am eroiding in my own terrible thoughts.

blah

So it's 8:05 in the am, and I'm up extra early for no reason. I'm in a great mood proably because how my night ended last night. I'm sorry to say this, but my suite is the BEST, there's no if, and's or but's to it.

Last night we threw a little party fro Chanti. At first, the other night they sang Happy Birthday to her at 12pm and gave her these crappy vanilla/chocolate cookies with candles in them. Even though she was happy, we knew she was dissappointed, probably, but it was all a part of the plan. So last night, Jacques and I went to Walmart and bought her a delicious vanilla bean cake that was great. The surprise was really good and we could tell that she was really happy. Idk what it is, but it makes me even happier to see people happy. Sometimes I'd rather be upset or mad, then to see someone that way. So the night went really well with lap dances of course (haha), the boys from upstairs came down and we had a good time. We also made friends with out neighbors on the otherside of the hall. They look like Hollister models, well one of them. lol

Now I'm just in my bed, going to get ready for classes in a few. Thankfully I only have one class today at 10:15. Lately there is nothing I can think about except for going home for thanksgiving. It's terrible because I keep slacking as the time quickly goes by. I really can't wait to see everyone, to be back in the city, to get a taste of real life again. I've been yearning to get away from Albany, atleast for just a little bit. I have a feeling that when I go home, I'm not gonna want to come back. I miss everyone and everything in the city.

So Long

Maybe it's a phase Joandry says, but he's wrong. It's not a phase. It's not a feeling just for the moment. I hate it here. I hate the people, I hate the surrondings, I hate everything about this place. For the past 3 months I've lied to myself, trying to come to an agreement, but I can no longer. I can't sit here and pretend like I'm happy because I'm the furthest away from that feeling.

I can't withstand the hypocritical people, with their high paid positions who are full of crap. I can't stand the feeling of feeling completely and utterly like nothing. I can't stand a counselor who sits on her ass and does absolutely nothing for me or for her students. So, I have to go, I have to.

I'm finally happy to announce that the Spring symester will be my last at SUNY Albany. I can't wait to say good riddens to a hell-hole that they call an instituiton of higher learning. I don't know where I'm transfering to, but I know anything will be better than here. It's sad that its come to this already.

Work, Work, and more Work

It's been a great weekened for me. I finally went out, had to relieve some of this college stress, that by the way hasn't really gone away.

Me and my girls went to Ballingers which is this spanish club. The top floor plays latin music and the bottom plays hip-hop, r&b, you know the usual. It would've been better if there were more people there. It was pretty emptying considering how packed it usually is, but I had fun. Too much bachata though lol There were madd old people there too. It was really cute seeing this old Latin couple dancing together. I hope, in the end, I'm some what like that when I'm older. Down stairs (at times) was poppin'. There was this old man who looked he was in his late 30's getting it in ! He had grey hair, a beer belly but didn't mind shaking that ass. lmao I'm telling you it was beyond halarious. He did moves I never even saw females do ! Completely crazy.

Saturday we had a surprise party for Argentina. It was great because she really didn't expect it, but of course the surprise was kind of ruined by the loud people who couldn't shut up, but it was nice. The night consisted of lap dances, people hitting there heads on chairs, dancing, and acting crazy. We also celebrated Leiry becomming a citizen ! The jokes were endless and we definitely sang the Pledge of Alligence haha. Overall a great night that ending with my suitmates and I cleaning, and enjoying some I love New York Pizza (best pizza in Albany) and Honey BBQ wings. It was nice to finally sit on our rug and just talk amongst ourselves with out the boys coming in every two seconds.

So it's Sunday and I have tons of studying to do. I have an exam in my American Politics class on Tuesday, a paper due on Wednesday, and 2 upcomming important papers for my Africana Studies class and the final paper for my American Politics class on Health Care. There's just too much to do !

The other day I was seeing what classes I wanted to take for next symester. The worse thing about being a Freshman is that we get the last of the last. I hope I get the classes I want though. I wanna take Life in The Third World, Intro to Feminism, The Holocaust in History and Exploration of Space. I just hope there's a spot left for me by the time my registration date comes!

So I've also decided to major in African Studies and minor in Woman's Studies. Let's see how that goes.

cambiar

A lot of things have been changing at the speed of light for me. This week has been probably the most stressful with all the upcomming papers, midterms and exams. It just seems as if there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I guess that's because of my terrible time managing skills, but it's a lesson we all learn from.

This week I lost me keys, got locked out my suite, was stranded for a couple hours, couldn't go to class, missed a class, lost my ID card and a bunch more unpleasant things. I really need to stop stressing so much because I keep losing shyt. Now that I've found/replaced everything I can laugh at it, but it was something to before.

I guess this week, with a new month here I noticed a lot more things about myself. I think because I'm so used to not getting things I want, or would want I kind of just throw the dream away. I give in to others so easily because I pretty much know the outcome. I'm done putting up a fight, even for things or someone I once thought I'd want forever. Speaking of which, I am single not ready to mingle but single. I don't know what so say about my relationship with Kwame but for me it's just not working out right now. Sometimes I regret the break up, sometimes I don't but as someone told me before sometimes you have to do things for yourself even if it hurts someone else. I know he's a great guy, and if things don't work out someone else will be happy to have him. I was and still am.

Despite my terrible day yesterday, I got an A- on my English paper which everyone who has Dr.Dunlop knows it's a huge accomplishment. She rarely ever gives A-'s let alone A's and it makes me feel good because I've been struggling so much in her class. I'm not the greatest creative writer, actually I prefer not to, but I've really been trying and I guess the work is paying off.

This weekend is Argentina's (my suitmates) Birthday. We throwing her a surprise party, and she thinks were doing anything for her. hahah It's going to be great. My roomate Leiry is becomming a citizen today. We're definitely gettin her an I am Sam hat, and buy mad American food. I'm really happy for her. :)

til next time....

Is It?

Is it possible to make a decision with out feeling guilty?
without feeling like your hurting someone else's feelings?
Is it possible to make a decision based on yourself,
without seeming selfish or unfair?
Is it possible to do something different, something drastic, something that's not expected
without it being wrong?

If you, or anyone can answer these questions it would be greatly appreciated, because to me it seems impossible.

Title

Lately my life has been just like my blogs. Empty, meaningless and unfinished.
I don't know where to start, where to begin I just have no clue where I'm going.

I'm tired of people expecting so much of me. People not treasuring the time they have with me and most importantly people thinking they know me. Like everyone, I am a complex being and although we are similar the things that go on through my head are completely unknown and unthought by you.

I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't like it here and I'm ready to give up. It's impossible to be someone when theres so many interruptions and absolutely not enough time.

I am no longer hopeful, I don't dream because for me that's not reality. Tomorrow will never be promised, and today isn't either.