Lost Hope

My nights for the most part consist of lost dreams, cold sweats and complete loss of sleep or atleast close to none. My mind wonders as I have no one to talk to, to help put me back to sleep or comfort. I am falling apart.

These things have started to happen recent without a sign that they were approaching. I don't know what wrong with me. Is it fixable? Who knows. I just know that I'm tired of being tired and of being stressed and hopeless. This is supposed to be a good experience. A good one, where there are in fact ups and downs but mostly ups. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or if I'm going in the wrong direction. I just can't seem to get a grasp on this thing called life.

I'm rotting in my own evoiding self. With the all the negative thinking but I can't help it. I believe there is a perfect but it is beyond me

Brick By Boring Brick

Albany is exactly what I expected. Not surprisingly I did actually miss it. It's been great to reconnect with my friends and have some what of an easy going life style. I'm definitely going to soak this up for sure.

Even though I've only been in school since Wednesday this week seems so long ! I feel like the days have been dragging on and todays only Thursday ! I'm not in a rush or anything but jesh can we move any slower? This semester has really been hitting my pockets. My books are extremely expensive for basically no reason. I really see why some people don't attend college. Besides tuition being one of the worries college is just really expensive ! I doubt that I'll have enough money left to enjoy the weeekend by the time I'm done paying for books.

Speaking of this weekend, Saturdays my birthday which I'm not really looking forward to. I really don't feel like going out or spending money that I really can't afford to spend. To be honest it's sort of depressing. I really don't know what I'm gonna do.

Looking around at some of my friends fb profiles you always see that most people have someone in their corner. Someone rooting for them and supporting them no matter what. That's something that I lack. I don't have old high school teachers or family memebers in my corner leaving me comments about how successful I'll be or how they're proud. I mean I'm not "hating", I'm just kind of jealous. Everyone at a certain time deserves a pat on the back every now and then even though you don't really need it. I think that's something that I've never had.

So I'm at work extremely bored as always. Luckily I'm only here to 2 hours but I have a class 45 minutes later. I can't wait til its over so I can go back to sleep. I'm really exaughsted.

Well that's it for now. I'll be sure to update later.

Food For Thought

Coming back home for the break I thought I could change everything. I thought I could make things return to the normal type of life that I once had. You know the perfect scenario: boyfriend, love, best friend(s), family and good times. But its taken me today, the day before I go back to Albany to realize that I cannot, only because things are meant to be the way they are.

Today I am extremely happy that things have turned out the way they are. It's taken me beyond many challenges to see what I was getting myself into. Befriending what I called was a best friend definitely wasn't what I thought it was. Looking at this person today he/she is someone that I wouldn't want to be around. Someone who displays a loving nature (which he/she is), but possess the kind of back stabbing, two-face, conniving demeanor that I long to be nothing a part. I feel like it's my duty to give a warning and reveal the truth but it's not my responsibility. People have to learn on they're own just like I have.

This vacation has been one of much learning, fun and ups and downs, but I'm so ready to go back to Albany ! I'm actually excited which is a first. I'm anticipating one hectic week but I'm ready.

Are you? :)

you WERE my bestfriend.

It's actually pretty sad that I don't know what today's date is.When your not in school or you don't really have anything really important to do it really doesn't matter. Today is a day just like yesterday and the day before. The only difference is probably the weather or what you'll do.

I'm really sorry I haven't been blogging much, I've just been so busy having fun and enjoying myself, but I will tell you about my terrible day yesterday. Approximately 3 days ago I started to have this tooth ache. At first it really wasn't bad just some discomfort here and there but eventually it escalated to the point where I found myself crying hysterically. Yesterday I went to the dentist where I had to have a root canal because of some nerve damage due to my stupid wisdom tooth growing in. It wasn't painful at all (although rumors say otherwise). He made sure I was highly sudated and everything went well. Thankfully Kwame waited and stayed with me which I really want to thank him for. I could barely talk afterward since my mouth was completely numb but it wasn't so bad.

My random thought of today is why do people make there significant other such a priority. I'm not talking about people who are married, just teens/young adults who are in a relationship. Looking at some of my friends it seems like everytime they have a girlfriend/boyfriend they forget about their friends who are in many cases just as important. Friendships and even best friends end a relationship because the person simply can't balance it out.

So my question is : Is it wrong to make your significant other such a priority that you forget about your friends that have known you for years, or is it just expected ?

For me personally my answer is yes. For most of my life my friends have been my life and as they say boys come and go. To me my friends are not less than or more important than my boyfriend, they are just as important. However, I think that most people don't think that way. Once you get in a relationship it becomes all about them and no one else. I've seen people who were best friends completely not speak to each other anymore because of a boy. A BOY ! Idk for myself I think Kwame understands how important my friends are and he even knows them so it makes things easier. But who knows.

What do you think ?

Random Thoughts

So it's my first post of the New Year. I hate to start off on a bad note but I've just had a random thought.

Why is it that we humans always complain about things when there are people in the world that obviously have it far worse than ourselves. I know that I'm guilty, being the complainer that I am but the things I complain about really don't matter. It's those of you that always say and write about the same things.

I'm sure I sound a little harsh. There has to be some where to spill your thoughts and just vent, but why about the same issue over and over again. It makes me want to just discontinue what ever you say/write.

The other day I was reading other people blogs that I follow and there is one individual that never writes about anything happy or positive. I'm sure throughout your "dreadful" day there was one thing that made you smile or made you atleast think of a positive thought. But you see that's what's wrong with our society. We only dwell or broadcast the negative rather than those things that are actually uplifting. Therefore I really can't judge this person, for they are only doing what we are expected to do.

The last couple of weeks have been beautiful (not the weather, just the things that I've done). Hanging out with new and some old friends makes me feel like this have not changed and of course Kwame being there is just a perk. I really have no complaints at all, because I'm trying to look on the bright side.

There's a lot of things coming up that I'm not necessarily looking forward to, but most of them I am. Second semester is approaching, my 19th birthday (i'm getting old), and some other things. But I'm just going to take it a day at a time and not rush it.

Today I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm sure I'll update you later.

Until next time...