gurrrr

It's insane how I anticipate and can not wait until I get home, and then within less than two days I wanna leave.

currently counting down the days until I go back to UA.

P.S

Because I'm the bigger person I'm absolutely not going to shout you out but, you are extremely phony. bye :) 

Virus

Do you think that our paths are already mapped out? That the things we accomplish or don't are already set in stone? Is it possible to mess  up something that was supposed to be which could be seen as messing up your own future that has already been set?

I'm still really lost, not sure if I've been making the best decisions for myself but yet who knows what the best decisions are if you don't know the outcome? I've just been feeling really empty lately as if I have no one. No one to talk to and by that I men spill every secret, every lie and every tear to. Someone who you know is there and will always be.

I really, really, really, really miss my Mom. I miss her yelling at me about what mothers usually yell about : You're room being dirty, coming home too late, or arguing with your siblings. I miss the fact that she is the only person that has ever continuously made me happy even if she couldn't/can't give me all the things I want/need. I just miss being around her, anticipating her coming home from work to hear all the events of her day. I just miss her, period.

 Sometimes I feel like I've made the wrong decision. Like I was just being selfish and not thinking in the long run. It seems like I'm making the same mistakes over and over and never learning from them. I just wish there was a way of knowing. A way to figure out what I need to do and if this is right. I'm just so confused and thinking about it just makes me numb. I don't want to feel, but I need to.

My life right now seems like my laptop right now. There's a virus that's there but I always click the postpone button because I just don't want to deal with it.

Things That Are Meant To Be Hidden

Recently, my feelings of self worth have been diminishing and fluctuating. Sometimes I feel beautiful and confident but most of the time I don't. I think it's better if I go unnoticed, hidden in the back just so I won't be compared to others. I never really thought that I'd being going through this. You know, the whole body image thing but being around other females so often I compare myself a lot to them.

Maybe it's just me. I'm psycologically programmed to think this way. Maybe this is why all these years I'd rather hang out with guys and usually have a significant amount of more male friends than females (despite the fact that they don't have drama).

But I have a question : What does it mean when the people your surronded by are constantly complimented, but you're not? Does it mean that you don't deserve a compliment or that they're just not interested? How should someone feel always been ignored or just unrecognized?

Maybe I shouldn't dwell on this. Maybe these self hatred feelings will go away, but yet maybe there are too many maybe's.

I couldn't sleep which is probably the reason why I'm bloggin at 6 am. I honestly don't know what it is. I have a midterm at 8:45 in one of my favorite classes: Holocaust in History. That will probably be the highlight of my day.


On a better note, Sunday was my group's (Service. Is. Key's) biggest event of the year. Our Hip-Hop/Gospel Fusion Competiton was a sell out. The audience was fantastic and everyone had a fabulous time. For once I feel accomplished.

Congratulations to the winners:
 1st Place- Tammy 'Po3tre3'Lopez
2nd Place- UA NASHA
3rd Place- Neil

I'd also like to thank everyone for their support and look out for our events in the future.


now back to my depressed state.

Tired of Living

I am absolutely confused and possibly even lost. My feelings are not exact. They just fluctuate. I can't tell what I want, I can't tell what I need. There is no answer.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to make the wrong decision, but who know's what right or wrong?

All I do know is that I feel like I'm wasting my time. Like I'm in this just for the hell of it and not because I want to be. I'm avoiding making an action, turning something upside down because possibly someone will hate me.

I don't know what to do. It's easier said than done, but I know this will not go away unless I make the first move. I need to stop thinking about others. Just put myself first, but it's impossible when you've never done something like this before. I'm sitting here on the verge of tears. Trying to find a reason for staying when in reality there is none; none that is good enough.

Everyone has an answer, everyone has something to say but no one really knows the depth of what I'm going through. It eroids my mind, my soul, my life. everything. I've been trying and trying and trying but I just can't anymore. I can't sit here and pretend like everything's okay. Like I'm happy. Like I'm glad to be with you.

I'm just tired of living.