Irony

I have a friend. He's honestly a phenomenal guy. His only flaw is the fact that he can't get over one of his exes. He's the only person that gave me a definition of what love is, and it was so elaborate I cannot put it into my own words.

If you think Usher had it bad, this man is beyond that. Who ever this woman is she doesn't know how to the extent of how much he loves her.

We were catching up today and he told me he has a heart condition. Basically his heart is enlarged and he has a whole in it.

How ironic is this?

I desperately don't want this to be me.

I'm Sorry

I'm happy. I really am, it's just these phases that come and go that keep me blogging here. I'd like to write about something good, but I just can't seem to condition myself to do so.

I'm not exactly sure what this feeling is. I don't feel pain, but my eyes water. It's like this constant anxiety missed with apathy.

God knows I'm never optimistic but I think that's the only reason why I'm holding on. what the fuck is wrong with me? smh

Just give me a reason to hate you; it would make my life so much easier.

Tell All

I feel like an asshole, because I don't feel like an asshole if that makes any sense. I wouldn't say that I've been using someone technically because I haven't asked for anything.

I've explained to him that I don't want him. I don't want to be anything with him now or the future but he sticks around. I don't know if he thinks that one day I will, but I could care less.

I have no feelings for him at all; he's just there when I need him to be. When ever I feel lonely, or I want some attention I know that if I call/text him he'll be there. Sometimes I feel bad because that's what I think he thinks about me. I'll always be there waiting for him. If he needs anything, I'll always be willing to do something for him.

I'm going to have to eventually let this guy go. I haven't done anything wrong, but I can't live with myself sometimes. I'm not gaining anything more but a bitter soul.

April Fool's Day

I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. I should start the 9 page paper I have due on Tuesday, but knowing myself I won't. The only engagements I have are on Sunday.

There's a party tonight, and tomorrow but I sort of don't want to go. None of my girls are going and I'm starting to feel weird just going out with the guys. I really don't know why. Most of my friends have been males most of my life, which is fine but when you start going to places like parties with them it gets weird.

I don't care what anyone says most guys have motives/goals when they go out. It's either to "bag" x amount of girls, or probably even to hook up with someone. I really wouldn't want to be in the middle of that.

I'll be honest it's starting to bother me that this guy is becoming close friends with my really close friends. It's making it impossible to disappear or distance myself. I know this sounds immature but I don't want them to be friends. Who am I going to complain/go to now? Obviously not them anymore because their becoming friends with each other. It just makes the situation even more awkward.

I should've kept my rules. Don't date/talk to someone who goes to the same school as you. I did it all four years of high school, I don't know why I couldn't do it in college.

It's just somewhat unfair to me. Maybe I should find some new friends or move to the other side of the world. Or maybe he should. haha

Until next time...

I'm Sorry, I Really Sincerely Apologize

I feel terrible that I've forgotten about this blog. I don't know what I was thinking but I'm back again; for good.

I'm sorry for the few of you who read this blog and only see the dark, sad side of me. I know there aren't many of you, but this literally is the only place where I can reveal things as stupid as it may seem.

I'd rather not update you on my life. Nothings really changed. Everything for the most part is the same or has gotten worse. I still love him, but he doesn't know or for the most part even care. I try to move on but nothing seems to be working, so I've just been shrugging it off for the most part.

I really don't know what it is.

I feel like I'm losing myself again. As if I'm turning into this person that I swore I'd never be; it's inevitable.

Spring Break is in a few weeks. I'm not excited. I'm more than likely just going to stay home and depress myself.

I'm trying to tell myself I'm stronger than this. Physically I am, but when I have nothing to do you are all I think about.

I bet I sound insane.

The Beginning

After speaking to my ex last night I no longer have regrets. I thought that maybe I was being too judgemental, too selfish. Speaking to him reconfirmed why I don't want to be with him.

No matter what he thinks it wasn't about the arguments or his never ending need to be number one in my life or how he fiened for attention. He couldn't do the one thing that was so important to me which was just to listen.

In the year and some odd months that we dated he truly never got to.know me. Never cared enough to pay attention to the things I cared about or liked. Instead he faked it all by being the typical guy you see in the movies. You know, the ones who bring you flowers with a card and some chocolate.

I'm happy he never made me food, he probably would've killed me.

But this entry isn't about him anymore, it's about me. It's about how hard it is to find someone who cares about things just as much as I do. Someone who will do a favor for anyone even if they don't deserve it.
I'm too nice and the worst part is I know that'll never change.

The best part is I'm not angry. I'm very happy because one day you'll realize your mistakes and what your missing out on.

Failing Myself

We are always told to expect the worse. To use optimism and look on the brighter side of things.

I wanted my pessimistic thoughts to be proven wrong. Though I was right, I still have lost.

I have a new technique of coping with things; it's laughing. Laughing at myself for being so foolish. Laughing at the situation in general. Laughing at the fact that I still care.