L O S T

I started writing this blog on Sunday, but I guess I forgot to press the publish button before I ran out. lol
I'll just try and recap and start over ughhhh.
Saturday night was fun. I just chilled with my suitmate Chanti and some guys that we know that live in Eastman. It was fun to be back in the social scene. I admit that most of the time I just stay to myself and don't really talk to people other than those that I know already. The guys were really cool and we all just talked, had tickle wars (yes I know gay) and created tattoos lol. It's a shame to say we're in college. haha

To be honest this weekend was actually really lame. I didn't go out, mostly because of the rain and because of my suitmates. Friday they celebrated Tracy's birthday and like with everything I was left out. It seems like the plan things around my schedule purposely but I'm not going to be a sour person. Honestly, I was mad. I had to work from 3-7 and I asked Aisha if she could start the party later, but she insisted that they wouldn't have enough time to get ready if she did. When I walked in, it was this huge party and I just proceeded back to my room because I really didn't want to be around them. It was messed up, and I would never do that to anyone but maybe, like I said before, I'm just too nice. So they went out that night, and I stayed in with Chanti. She's not 18 yet and we look nothing alike to she didn't want to take my id.

Today's Monday and I am really exhaugsted. I'm at work doing nothing like always and I'm really tired. My group is supposed to be coming here at 8 so we can work on our presentation, but they're most likely going to be late. Today was an okay day for me. My two classes went by rather quickly and I had pretty much nothing to complain about. I handed in a paper that I didn't feel too great about but my English professor expects too much anyway. She's actually really funny and entertaining in class with her immature reactions and attitude. I don't know why I signed up for her class, but we all make mistakes.

Tomorrow I have so much to do. I have class, a presentation and a meeting with my Afro-American Lit professor. He's most likely going to forget that he asked me to come but I'm used to his lack of memory. I also have a paper to write for my American Politics Discussion class but they're always relatively easy. I can tell already that this is going to be one hell of a stressful week. I have a headache just thinking about it.

Thankfully Kwame is coming on Friday :). That's pretty much the only thing that keeping me going. Today definitely felt like Wednesday but I only wish.

I'm feeling really blah lately, idk why. I'm just not myself anymore. Sometimes I wish I was home, but then I'm reminded of why I don't want to be there.

I'm just a lost and confused person.

Impossible

I'm at what UA calls "work" right now. Honestly, this is the first and probably last time in my life that I'll complain about having job that consists of doing nothing. Sure, everyone thinks aneasy job is the best thing that could happen, but when it's a job where there's no excitement, sometimes no people and absolutely no fun I'll take a job that's hard working anyday.

Sometimes sitting in the empty spacious room my thoughts just linger around. I think about everything; good and bad. Maybe it is beneficial to have a set time where you just think, but for me it sort of leads to depression. Idk everytime I leave work, I feel sort of down. I hate being alone to begin with so being here makes matters even worse. Sometimes I hope someone comes into the Penthouse just so I wouldn't have to be lost in my thoughts or sulking. I hope that someone comes in and gives me something to do. but w/e

This week has been pretty stressful dealing with my English professor and my suitmates. Thursday my suitemates decided to buy a rug that I thought wasn't worth 60 bucks. It's ugly, doesn't cover enough space and is hard to match things with. I personally don't really care but I don't like paying for things that I don't like or that I'm never going to use. They keep saying that the rug is for us to "bond" on and honestly I think that's bull shit. The rug is for all their friends who get drunk and need somewhere to crash so they don't get caught staggering back to their rooms. Why am I paying for someone else's enjoyment, is what I don't completely understand. To be honest, I don't really like some of my suitmates on a friend level. Sure I live with them and I respect them but I never call them my friend. I guess I'm just so used to the group of people I hung out with back at home.

We never needed drugs or alcohol or anything to make us have fun besides ourselves and place. I personally can't stand when people get pissy drunk to have fun. To me that's just proves that your one hell of a boring person. I hate that they do the same crap every single weekend. Yeah, we're in college and this is the time to go clubbing and partying but don't you like doing other things? Don't you like going to comedy clubs and seeing what else is out there? I have yet to find a group of people, let alone even a person who is close to being like me. Everyone here in UA from what I've met, seems to be these stereotypical freshmans and I can't stand it. I don't mean to be the anti-social person in my suite, but its just not me to drink or go to clubs every single weekend.

I know I just went home last weekend, but I'm feeling like I need a break again. Just an opportunity to break away from this repetitive life. I wanna go back home and chill with Veronica and Rando and everyone else and not have to worry about people thinking I'm a "party pooper" just because I don't smoke or I don't wanna get drunk. I wanna be around people that a real and not like the fake ass people that I'm surrounded by.  Is that so hard to ask for?

Finding that seems pretty much impossible.

All Over the Place

So I'm sitting on my bed with my regular morning routine. Tea and a bagel lol It's all you can find on State Quad at about 11 so shhh.

Today so far has been a pretty good day. I've already had two classes and two more to go. I'm kinda bummed that I didn't do as well as I thought on my American Politics Mid-term but w/e. There's always an extra credit assignment or something.

I noticed yesterday that I have soo many things to do in these next two weeks. Assignments, events, meetings, presentations. It's all pilling up. Honestly I have no motivation to start on them early which brings me to another conversation.

Yesterday, my sutimates and I were talking about Albany and the things we like and dislike about it. One thing that we all agreed on was that we don't feel motivated to do things on an academic level. Besides your own motivation of course to get that 4.0, nothing else motivates us. Honestly, I don't particularilly like it here but its not about my biased that I'm talking about this. For me, things aren't the way they're supposed to be. Perfect example : Everyone has a counselor that they go to. Your counselor is supposed to be there for anything right? Why is it that I have the worst counselor in the world that uses her office ours for pleasure and gossip rather than focusing on me or her students? Another example: Here at Albany everyone knows that were known as a party school, but everyone, that is high officials of course, always say that there are always things to do on campus besides partying on weekends. BULL SHIT. There are absolutely no programs or anything that would interest students besides the regular club scene. And I know what your probably thinking."this is just Casie complaining again", but this is something to complain about.

Besides complaining a lot, one thing that I noticed about myself, due to someone who is mostly always right about me, is that although I am "mean" with my jokes, I do anything for people who sometimes don't deserve it. I definitely need to change that. Why do things for people when they ultimately don't appreciate it.

So if you guys look about 2 post ago, I asked a question but thankfully I found out the answer for myself.
Honestly. I'm just gonna shrug off the situation, walk away and pretend it never happened. Maybe not giving something so much attention will actually benefit me this time. (My new method)

Tick Tock

It's Monday. Classes, work and hangovers of course.

For the most part I had a pretty good weekend, despite the rain. On Friday I went home and spent basically the whole day with Kwame. We chilled in the city, went shopping and ate at the Tick Tock :). I thought it would be warmer in the city but it was still freezing. Saturday I also chilled with Kwame in central park. We were hoping that Vero would come but she was in Long Island with her parents and by the time she would've gotten back it would've been too late. So we went to his house, ate dinner and watched a movie. It was honestly really nice to just relax and chill. Just walk around with our corny jokes and not have to really worry about anything. Sunday Vero, Franchesca and myself were suposed to go to the Breast Cancer Walk but it was raining really hard so we ended up not going. I just stayed home, ate as much food as possible and went shopping with my dad. I finally got my microwave ! :) So overall it was a good weekend.

I really didn't feel like getting up today. I just want to be a bed bum, but I luckily have a roommate that keeps me in check. Right now she's actually yelling at me to do my english hw. lol You have to love her.

This week shouldn't be that busy. Sunday's Tracy's birthday (one of my suitmates) so were gonna throw her a party on Friday. I wonder how that's gonna go. lol

So I'm gone, off to do my English reading.... until next time of course.

Regrets

It's been a good day for me, for the most part. My classes were cancelled so I got the chance to stay in and get things done. I did all my homework, actually studied, accomplished my laundry and cleaned my room. Yes, I deserve a huge cookie.

Today we had a meeting with our Quad RA because my suite was written up for a noise complaint. To my surprise she was actually really cool. Her name is Nikki and she's a very laid back, but aggressive women. After the meeting, I've learned to respect her even more than I have before, but to be honest I'm pissed. Because our suite was written up, we all have to do 5 hours of community service with the custodial staff in the morning along with attending 10 workshops. Seriously? All this for a damn noise complaint? I could understand if we were drinking alcohol, smoking or doing something that was completely wrong, but for being above a noise level at someone elses discretion? I can't believe this. If I wanted to be treated like a child, and be given unreasonable punishments I would've went to bootcamp. SUNY Albany doesn't fail to surprise me anyday.

After the meeting, my day just went by pretty quickly. I cleaned, did my homework and pretty much everything I said earlier. It was nice to just stay in and not have to be in this crazy weather. I heard it's supposed to snow tomorrow. I can't believe it's only October and were already expected snow. I need to go get an eskimo coat because I defintely don't want to get sick and it's already freezing.

Tomorrow I'm finally heading back home. The highlight of my weekend will most likely be eating ! I absolutely cannot wait! I'll finally be able to see Veronica and hopefully Rando. Hopefully it'll be a great weekend.

On a side note: Have you ever felt dissappointed in an outcome, only because the reaction from someone wasn't what you expected? and because of it, it probably made you regret even taking the big step?

Let me know what you think :)

Wear Sun Screen

I'm sitting here on my bed, as I should be reading for my discussion meeting in about 2 hours but I don't really feel like it. I feel like I've just had a sudden change on the outlook on life.

So I was just on fb and for the entire weekend I've seen the quote "Be the change in which you want to see" everywhere. When I go to eat, as I was downtown, when I was at a workshop; everywhere. When I see this quote I automatically think of the wonderful Kye Weaver. Kye is just unexplainable. He is just so much that there are no words to fully describe. Anyway, because I kept seeing this quote I decided to get incontact with him, and to surprise it benefited me.

Lately I've been so concerned about my future and what I want to be life. I feel lost and uncertain about so many things and I ask "Can I get a sign, atleast". Something that shows me which path to take? So like always Kye has a quote for EVERYTHING. I think if you dropped a cup of milk on your shoe he could come up with a quote that would make sense and relate to your wet shoe. Kye says to me "wear sun screen", and of course I'm thinking ooh gosh here he goes again but he told me if I wanted to understand the quote I had to watch a video. So I watched it and I feel like a whole different person. It gives some much insight and almost comforts you. It showed me, no I'm not the only person in the world who doesn't know what to do, what to say, how to act but you shouldn't live your life worrying. I think everyone should please, please try and watch this video. Don't judge it at first, it'll make sense to you as go along.

That's all I really wanted to say. I guess I'll go back to my dreadful reading. I hope you watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Stuck

This weekend went pretty well. I didn't do much because I chose to. Friday night I hung out with Brian, Schawn, Joe, Stef and Josh because it was Josh's Birthday. Being in a room full of horny drunks was definitely not enjoyable but very entertaining lol. Saturday was the Homecomming game. We won 55-10 ! Definitely was a blow out. I ended up not going to Sneeky's. Partying isn't that important to me anymore. I hate going places where I know everyone and their mom is gonna be there. Yesterday I just chilled for the most part, went to the S.I.K meeting and finally had a dinner that was worth the meal swipe ! The baked ziti was, hands down, amazing ! I had some cheescake to go with that and I was probably the happiest person on campus lol

Today has been pretty dull. I had a Math midterm and a paper due for English. In my English class we were simply stating our opinions on the story we read. This girl tried to come at my head as she spoke. I thought it was pretty entertaining for someone who didn't write the paper, or actually read the story to even come at me like that. But hey, you can't live without haters, right?

Lately I feel so nostalgic and just numb. To be honest I'm starting not to care about things at all. It's like everytime I try to say something, no one understands me. I'm always being though of as being wrong or as if the things I've said before or felt doesn't mean anything. I'm tired of being afraid of change, or making a big change that may in the end benefit me. How would you ever know unless you tried? I just don't want anyone to look at me differently or think that I'm not the person that they once knew. I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON reguardless. But w/e people will never understand, even if they tried.

" Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness,appreciating memories and of course, learning from the past"

I think I'm going to live up to this quote, for now on.

Shot out Eric, who actually reads my blog. Thanks for the comment.

I Swiped, Did You?

I didn't really feel like going to Math class this morning so I just stayed in bed. I stayed too late last night anyway to even think about getting up at 8.

As I tried to publicize, last night was the "Meal Swipes for the Homeless" that S.I.K presented. Honestly, I had to really stop myself from crying because the amount of care and just over all appreciation I have for everyone who donated was so touching. It is so beautiful to see people give and donate for people who don't have much of anything. I feel honored and greatful to be a part of an amzing group. Although I'm happy of the amount of people who participated, the one person who really deserves a round of applause is Brad. Brad isn't on the E-Board, nor is he apart of SA, he's just an ordinary freshman who wants to do good things with his life. Brad dressed up like a homeless person for us just so people could really get the message.

I was talking to him through the entire program and he told me he really felt like he was homeless. Some people would just walk by and stare. They didn't ask what the program was about or when they were approached they said they didn't want to donate. He told me that is was a realization for him. He finally sees what homeless people actually go through. I think that's something that everyone should experience atleast once.

Are You With Me?

For the most part I'm in a really good mood. I'm done for the day so I'm just chilaxin' in my room listening to music :)

I got my tests back yesterday from my classes. I got an A- (94) on my Afro-American Lit test and an A- on my American Politics Discussion Paper. I'm pretty happy with the results, although I think I deserved an A lol My Afro- American Professor is so grimmey ! He gave us computer paper to write out essays on and then took points off if your margins were straight. That's like almost impossible to do with no ruler and on paper with no lines but w/e. I found that pretty funny. Today I took an exam in American Politics. I think I did really well.

Last night/ this morning I was having one of the most amazing conversations with some of my suit mates, Jacques and these two other guys that came to visit that we know from the summer. We were talking about things that people don't even really think about, especially religion. I'm not really religious myself, so hearing him speak about it and tell us stories about his father in D.R. made me actually believen it more. He's a very intellectual guy, and I hope everyone gets to meet him. What ruined the moment was when our RD knocked on the door and claimed we were being too loud. Mind you, we weren't even being loud compared to night before. I honestly think that they get bored and just look to pick at the littest things but w/e. All I know is, I'm not paying for college for someone to tell me when to go to sleep. They say you become an adult when you go to college. Your on your own, no ones there to tell you what to do, but I find that completely exaggerated.

So this weekend is finally Homecomming ! GREAT DANES ALL THE WAY ! :)
I have no clue what I'm gonna do. My little brother wants to come visit, but I feel bad about blowing him off. Jacques trying to get me to go to Sneeky Petes (ha) we'll see how that goes. I'm definitely gonna go to the game on Saturday though.

I really want Veronica to come visit :(

That Was A Wet One

So today was such a lame day. It's weird that I'm complaining about not having classes today (lol). Work was a bore, as always. Jacques was been a jerk and wouldn't stay and keep me company but w/e.

Today I realized that the song that says and shows the way I've been feeling is "There's Gotta Be More to Life" by Stacie Orrico. Listen to it. It's old but pretty amazing.

Now I'm talking to my best friend in the whole wide world on the phone (veroniqua). I'm actually on the phone with her haha. She has made a blog, not by my force of course so check it out ! Her life as a engaged, hardworking, teen is pretty amazing only because she's Mexican. Lmao I am soo kidding.

Some kid named Steve Saunders just came in my room a let not one but 2 ripp. He's so gross, even Vero heard it.

The rest of the night I'm going to continure talking to Vero, finish my hw and chill. I know it will be fun.

:)

Ello There

Last night was pretty amazing. I went to Casajavi with Jacques, Chanti (my suitmate), Armani and Julius who are Jacques friends. Because Jacques just happens to be someone semi-important in Albany (lol), we got in for free and didn't have stand on that crazy line. In all honestly, the party was not that poppin' but for me, when I see people enjoying themselves it makes me feel like I am. I had fun, and that's all that really matters right? It was nice to get out, dress up and feel good for once. I think me going out last night made me think what I wanna do with my life. I wanna be that impact, that influence, that person that does good. I wanna see children in the worst parts of the world have things that we take for grantage. I don't wanna make change, I wanna be change in the sense that I am inevitable. Nothing can stop my drive or my dedication. This is with out a doubt, what I wanna do. Now the hardest part is, what the hell to major in?

I'm still a little angry that my mom's birthday present has still not been delivered. Never again will I order online!

Today we had a S.I.K meeting. We talked about our upcomming events, especially the Gospel Hip-Hop Fusion event. If all goes well with our dancers and performers, I think it'll be an amazing thing to attend. I hope everything goes according to plan. I really don't wanna have to cancel. We'll see how everything goes later.

Oh I forgot. I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO LONDON for study abroad. I am so excited! I really really can't wait.

Pero Like You Know.

So last night was fun. I stayed in and chilled with my suitmmates, called a few friends over and watched some scary ass movie. My friend Joe a bottle of Jose Cuvo and ppl were done ! My suitmmate Chanti has to be the cuttest drunk in the world ! lol I wish you could've seen it.

Today has been a chill day for me. Mainly I've just lounged around and went to walmart for a couple of things. Tonight is by far gonna be a good night :). I'm going to Casajavi with Jacques and his loser for friends (jk). I think I definitely deserve going out for once. lol

For the rest of the day I'm probably just going to procrastinate about doing my Enlgish hw and chill with Joe. I'll definitely let you know how the night goes. ;)

There's Always Time For New Things

Today my day has gone pretty well. I only had one class which was Math. My Professor gave back out hw and past quizzes and I aced them all. That was a shocker for me myself, but w/e.

Yesterday I had a really long day. I had two meetings one for S.I.K and the other for Phi Beta Sigma. S.I.K is a community service based group that does work shops and also peer education. Yesterday I was announced as the treasurer so I'm super excited about that. Our presentation was called "Homies and The Homeless". Participating in it I actually learned a lot of things. Living in the city, there is a stereotype that all homeless people usually ride the trains, smell, and are usually crazy but anyone can be homeless, maybe even a friend that you know of. To give back to those that don't have, on thursday we're hosting "Meal Swips for The Homeless". All the food that we collect will be given to a near by shelter.
I think it'll be a great success.

Phi Sigma Beta is obviously a sorority. I'm not joing, but being a part of S.I.K we give back to our fellow groups and what not. Their program was called "How To Treat a Lady" and it was really really entertaining. There was a panel of guys and a huge group of ladies in the crowd. Everyone filled out an index card where they basically asked questions that the guys had to answer. Most of the question were based on sex, and just basically talking to females and what not. The answers, I have to admit, were halarious but they showed how reguardless of the fact there are double standards. Personally I feel like if every female were to set them selves to basically the same high standards, there would be no room for a player or someone who "spits game". Every guy would have to treat females the same and respectful way. But obviously this is impossible. Some girls make it easier for males because they don't set their standards high but there's also other things to think about. One thing that I probably will never forget is that the guys said that the amount of sexual partners a girl has depends if their gonna talk to them because that increases their chances of having an STD or HIV/AIDS. They definitely failed to recognize that anyone can get either of these by having sex just 1 time and they also didn't think about how girls feel about them having a lot of sexual partners. It's the same exacat thing.

So today I got a call from this modeling agency. I'm actually thinking about going along with it. I've been wanting to do this for a while but I've never had the courage to actually pull through. I have a meeting with them next weekend in Manhattan. I'm actually pretty excited :)

5 Leaf Clover

Yesterday was another extremely long day for me. 4 classes that went by slower than a turtle. I had my first exam in African American Literature and I'm so upset that I got 4 wrong. I really felt like crying. I studied my ass off, just because I know I have a terrible memory and look how things ended up? But I'm definitely not going to dwell on it, there's always an extra credit assignment.

Today, luckily, I have NO classes :) My English is cancelled until next week and I just didn't really feel like going to American Politics. Instead I went to the mall and bought some long sleeve shirts and a pair of sunglasses because it's freezing in Albany. The weather here is completely bipolar. There's no point in watching the news anymore.

Last night was probably the hardest nights for me. I guess crying myself to sleep seems like a new method. One of my roommates always says that "humans will always dissappoint you, no matter what" and I think I went above and beyond that. To make someone feel so much pain is just inhumane. I never ever want to hear someone cry so much over me; especially when I'mnot worth it. I basically had an ephiphany last night, realizing that I myself need way more changes than some other people. I was ready to let go of something that has only benefited me because of my selfishness. I'm truely sorry and I hope you forgive me. In so many ways I'm lucky to have you.

The rest of the day will probably be pretty laid back. I'm probably just going to study, clean my room and around 7ish I have a S.I.K meeting. I think I deserve to relax a little. This weekend as always there are like 90000000000000000 parties. I'm actually considering going to one. Yes people clap !