Summer 2010 Update #1

So I finally found a job. The only problem is I hate it. I hate waking up at 6 am 5 days a week to stand in the sun for 7 hours and get paid as if my job isn't that hard.
Your probably asking where could I be working and surprisingly it's at a summer camp. I enjoy working with kids but these people don't know how to run a camp at all ! It's
honestly ridiculous*.

Other than working my but off I'm super excited to go back to UA. I'm already tired of the city. Idk I just feel like I'm not having fun. There's so many things I could be
doing but I kind of don't have much of a choice. Maybe I should take a day off or two.

It's definitely the truth that as humans we often desire things that we cannot have and go beyond lengths to achieve these ridiculous* goals. Instead of being satisfied with
what we have we try to make the impossible, possible. Everyone wants to fall in love and everyone thinks that they need to go searching for it. I think if you wait, ultimately
good things will come; so that's exactly what I'm doing.

Until next time...

:)

1 Down, 3 More to Go

I have to say that yes I have completely forgot about my blog. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written and tremendous things have happened so I'll try and sum everything up.

My first year of college is over (yay). I can't believe how quickly it has gone by. I've met so many amazing people at UA and I have to say that it has been such an amazing experience. The memories are everlasting and I cannot wait until the Fall ! I'm proud of my accomplishments this year, Dean's List both semesters (woo hoo) and making some of the best friends I know I'll have for awhile (at least I hope)

I'm really happy that I've gotten a chance to develop such great close friendships. To  my girls in 602: Tracy, Leiry, Chantelle and Argentina, I love you all so much and I'm so happy we got to live with each other. You all have become my family and you mean so much to me. I know we always say that the person who created our suite definitely got it right, but I think it's more than that. Everything happens for a reason <3

I'm definitely going to miss all the crazy moments that happened this year. Only the people (you know who you are) really know what really went down. From the BINGO Boys to trashing our neighbors suite. I really wish I could relive every single moment.


Now to the boring part, it's summer and honestly I don't know what it holds for me. I've been job searching ridiculously; I pray I get something ! I'm just hoping that this summer will be great with absolutely no drama ! (that's impossible).

On a better note, today I was just thinking aimlessly as usually and I thought of this:
        In life there will always be those that come and go. Those who stay are obviously here for a reason.
        It's just your mission to figure out why.

This made me think of my best friend Veronica. I love this girl so much words can't explain and through thick and thin I know she'll always be here for me and vise virsa.

Well that's it for me. I'll try and stay posted here and there :)

gurrrr

It's insane how I anticipate and can not wait until I get home, and then within less than two days I wanna leave.

currently counting down the days until I go back to UA.

P.S

Because I'm the bigger person I'm absolutely not going to shout you out but, you are extremely phony. bye :) 

Virus

Do you think that our paths are already mapped out? That the things we accomplish or don't are already set in stone? Is it possible to mess  up something that was supposed to be which could be seen as messing up your own future that has already been set?

I'm still really lost, not sure if I've been making the best decisions for myself but yet who knows what the best decisions are if you don't know the outcome? I've just been feeling really empty lately as if I have no one. No one to talk to and by that I men spill every secret, every lie and every tear to. Someone who you know is there and will always be.

I really, really, really, really miss my Mom. I miss her yelling at me about what mothers usually yell about : You're room being dirty, coming home too late, or arguing with your siblings. I miss the fact that she is the only person that has ever continuously made me happy even if she couldn't/can't give me all the things I want/need. I just miss being around her, anticipating her coming home from work to hear all the events of her day. I just miss her, period.

 Sometimes I feel like I've made the wrong decision. Like I was just being selfish and not thinking in the long run. It seems like I'm making the same mistakes over and over and never learning from them. I just wish there was a way of knowing. A way to figure out what I need to do and if this is right. I'm just so confused and thinking about it just makes me numb. I don't want to feel, but I need to.

My life right now seems like my laptop right now. There's a virus that's there but I always click the postpone button because I just don't want to deal with it.

Things That Are Meant To Be Hidden

Recently, my feelings of self worth have been diminishing and fluctuating. Sometimes I feel beautiful and confident but most of the time I don't. I think it's better if I go unnoticed, hidden in the back just so I won't be compared to others. I never really thought that I'd being going through this. You know, the whole body image thing but being around other females so often I compare myself a lot to them.

Maybe it's just me. I'm psycologically programmed to think this way. Maybe this is why all these years I'd rather hang out with guys and usually have a significant amount of more male friends than females (despite the fact that they don't have drama).

But I have a question : What does it mean when the people your surronded by are constantly complimented, but you're not? Does it mean that you don't deserve a compliment or that they're just not interested? How should someone feel always been ignored or just unrecognized?

Maybe I shouldn't dwell on this. Maybe these self hatred feelings will go away, but yet maybe there are too many maybe's.

I couldn't sleep which is probably the reason why I'm bloggin at 6 am. I honestly don't know what it is. I have a midterm at 8:45 in one of my favorite classes: Holocaust in History. That will probably be the highlight of my day.


On a better note, Sunday was my group's (Service. Is. Key's) biggest event of the year. Our Hip-Hop/Gospel Fusion Competiton was a sell out. The audience was fantastic and everyone had a fabulous time. For once I feel accomplished.

Congratulations to the winners:
 1st Place- Tammy 'Po3tre3'Lopez
2nd Place- UA NASHA
3rd Place- Neil

I'd also like to thank everyone for their support and look out for our events in the future.


now back to my depressed state.

Tired of Living

I am absolutely confused and possibly even lost. My feelings are not exact. They just fluctuate. I can't tell what I want, I can't tell what I need. There is no answer.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to make the wrong decision, but who know's what right or wrong?

All I do know is that I feel like I'm wasting my time. Like I'm in this just for the hell of it and not because I want to be. I'm avoiding making an action, turning something upside down because possibly someone will hate me.

I don't know what to do. It's easier said than done, but I know this will not go away unless I make the first move. I need to stop thinking about others. Just put myself first, but it's impossible when you've never done something like this before. I'm sitting here on the verge of tears. Trying to find a reason for staying when in reality there is none; none that is good enough.

Everyone has an answer, everyone has something to say but no one really knows the depth of what I'm going through. It eroids my mind, my soul, my life. everything. I've been trying and trying and trying but I just can't anymore. I can't sit here and pretend like everything's okay. Like I'm happy. Like I'm glad to be with you.

I'm just tired of living.

Snow Day

It's been practically a month since I've blogged. I don't know what it is. I haven't been that busy, just not really in the mood to write I guess.

Everything has been going great so far. I love my classes except for Biology which I didn't expect to like. Feminism is okay even though I still don't believe I am a feminist, though others are telling me otherwise. When I read the articles for class in the back of my mind I vision women in the Middle East. Oppressed would be the understatment of the year to describe them. I look at their situation and think to myself  "what the hell am I complaining about?", atleast I can walk the street without a man beside me. It really infuritates me to see how closed minded and self absorbed people are.

Besides classes going well I really think that everything is coming together really well. I have had no problems lately at all. My suitemates are all good, family is well taken care of and my love life, well we won't get into that.

Sometimes I think I put myselves in situations that I'm not really ready for. Like planning out the rest of my life now and I just think "For what?". I want to experience new things, meet new people and not just be stuck to the same life style that I have now. I feel like I'm not free. Free from expression and just doing anything I want to do.

Kwame and I just made 11 months together earlier this week. It's amazing to see how time goes by so fast. 11 months !? I can't believe it myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for a forever like commitment; not saying that I'm putting a time limit on this. Thinking about it, I feel like in ways I've changed for the worse because of it.

On a better note, today is the first Snow Day in Albany. My first snow day in college :) It literally has been snowing for 2 days now. haha

Until next time......

Oh yeah, Jennifer-Lee Pang has become the first memeber of my sorority: Zeta Feta Upsilon "Fat Girls Incorporate" lmfao I love you :)
(it's a joke relax people)

:)