Sober Thoughts

So I created a new blog on Tumblr. I guess I thought I needed a change but I find myself censoring everything I say because they're are too many people who know me that follow me. I still haven't learned how to express my true inner feelings and I kind of just wanna write for my own pleasure; not so people who could careless can read it. So I've made this blog my personal blog.


Lately I'll admit I've been really bitter probably because every night I lay in bed, and realize how much space there is for you to be here. It kills me that your forever in my thoughts, though I'm probably not in yours. Only time can tell what may happen, but as each day goes by I am constantly reminded that the likelihood of us ever being together gets diminished.


Reviewing this year in my mind I can't seem to remember anything. It seems like 09 was an amazing year for me and then in 2010 I was on auto pilot. I'll admit, I fucked up a lot this year. I don't think I put myself first at all and I just did things because they felt good and now I'm left regretting them.


It's a shame that I'm afraid to drink again knowing how emotional I get, and this time around it seems as though I have so many things to cry about. So unlike many, I will be a sober, bitter, heavy hearted person on New Year's hoping that you don't call me or end up at the same party.

"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."
— Hunter S. Thompson

Scattered Thoughts

For some odd reason I'm feeling really blissful right now. I had such an amazing weekend just being around people that have such a huge affect on the way I feel. For the first time in a while I feel loved and appreciated.


For some odd reason I feel really spiritual and at peace. Its starting to scare me how in-tune I can be with myself; I'm starting to like it.


I haven't been home in 4 months. Clearly I've been doing too much this semester. Secretly I just didn't wanna miss anything [or you], but I'm thrilled to see my family finally!


So now I'm just sitting in my room, anticipated an amazing break :)

until next time....

Redemption

I've had a pretty good day today I have to admit. Despite the hours I spent doing work, I feel pretty accomplished and satisfied, though there's a pile of papers sitting next to me that I haven't tackled yet. :(

I really hate hiding things, let alone being "phony". I'd rather show what I'm feeling but as we all know, wearing your heart on your sleeve gets you no where.

It's amazing to see how certain situations can have an everlasting affect on someone despite if you acknowledge them or not. I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that everything that goes unspoken about is unfortunately taking a huge tole on me now. I guess now that I'm older and mature I've realized that there's nothing to do but talk about them, accept them and let it go; being me nothing's really easy.

I know I'm a pessimist and I tend to dwell on the negative most of the time but when I say I'm forever grateful for the things I have and the people who are there for me I truly mean it.

On a random side note, Four Loko's have been banned in New York State. Am I upset? Absolutely not but clearly our government has put a hierarchy on the negative things you can consume. It's okay to give smoke cigarettes, which cause all types of cancers but not other things. (I'm clearly playing the devil's advocate here)

Until Next Time.....

I'm Back At It Again

So I've decided that I can't just abandon my blog. How rude of me to think of such an idea. Instead of completely starting a new one, I'm just going to continue with my speel or what ever comes to mind.

I feel like I have this artistic block. For me there's no other way to say the sky is blue besides the sky is blue. Everyone inspires to be this lyrical genius that uses similies, metaphors and all types of grammatical sexiness that I can't seem to do. Maybe I'm just too simple? Too modest? Too regualar ? Who knows.

I've noticed this semester that I'm still having trouble with just being honest with myself. We all know how straight forward, blunt and overall truthful I can be, but for some reason I can't seem to allow myself to be (says in quiet voice) vunerable again. I hate talking about myself, acknowledging my own feelings and it's been getting me in a lot of trouble. I wish I could just stop being Casie or go back to the non-emotional, uptight, always in-control person I used to be. It's amazing to witness my own evolution.

On a better note, for the first time in a while I can say things are good.
I hope they stay this way.

adios.

It seems as if every guy that I've ever been interested in is either in a relationship, something like a relationship, completely heartbroken or in the midst of getting over someone. In a sense it sort of makes me wonder where I stand exactly in the world of dating.

Someone said something really important to me today, which of course I'm not going to repeat and it made me really think. The outcome of this is I've decided to close down this blog and start something new. Since this was created solely based on someone else's wants/needs I've decided to do something for me (takes a huge sigh of relief). Maybe I'll be back, there's a possibility that I won't but you never know.

Summer 2010 Update #1

So I finally found a job. The only problem is I hate it. I hate waking up at 6 am 5 days a week to stand in the sun for 7 hours and get paid as if my job isn't that hard.
Your probably asking where could I be working and surprisingly it's at a summer camp. I enjoy working with kids but these people don't know how to run a camp at all ! It's
honestly ridiculous*.

Other than working my but off I'm super excited to go back to UA. I'm already tired of the city. Idk I just feel like I'm not having fun. There's so many things I could be
doing but I kind of don't have much of a choice. Maybe I should take a day off or two.

It's definitely the truth that as humans we often desire things that we cannot have and go beyond lengths to achieve these ridiculous* goals. Instead of being satisfied with
what we have we try to make the impossible, possible. Everyone wants to fall in love and everyone thinks that they need to go searching for it. I think if you wait, ultimately
good things will come; so that's exactly what I'm doing.

Until next time...

:)