Lately

I had a really great time yesterday. I hung out with two of my closets friends, went out to dinner and just talked. It's only been a little more than a year that I've known them and it seems like they know me to the T. I can't hide things like I do from everyone else. They pay too much attention to my manerisms, gestures and movements; it's weird. I don't have to tell them how I'm feeling for them to know; they just do.

It's a good thing to have people like this in your life, but then again it also sucks. I'd rather go unnoticed then to have someone paying attention to me at all intervals of life. I'd just rather me dwell on what I'm dwelling on without people knowing that I'm dwelling.

Today I may go visit Veronica finally even though I'm still not feeling well. I need to just keep myself busy. I'm also waiting on these 2 books I've been dieing to read. Hopefully they'll come in today.

Until next time...

12-3

I know your up. What your doing? Who knows. I can only imagine. These late nights get worse as I fall into a coma of thoughts. Trying to relive every moment, invision every smile. I'm awaiting to be awaken, but only by you.

I keep making excuses. I'm honestly a moron for falling for someone like you, and though I know you have issues, we all do, I'm still sticking around. I know by nature I'm a negative thinker, but I see no positive results. No miracle. Please, prove me wrong.

while your sleeping...

It's a shame how sleepless my nights have become. Is it the guilt? My own personnel thoughts eroiding my self conscience? Is it me knowing how badly I fucked up? How it feels for the first time to not be robotic? I swam in the shores of c.palace with thoughts of being in the jungle; this isn't me. Though when I arose, I was left with nothing. Asking myself what it was all for.

For a few months I lost myself, and now I'll be climbing these walls just recapture it all.

Content

I think it's really weird how I'm completely content with sharing some of my inner thoughts here. Just writing away, looking at this computer screen as I just let it out. Call me crazy but I feel like the people who know you the most, are more likely to judge you. For that reason I find it hard telling my friends how I feel and what's actually going on in my life. Instead I turn to you. You being this blog. This sheet of paper awaiting and willing to listen to what I have to say. You being this person reading this. Who ever you are. How you found my blog doesn't matter, because the odds of you confronting me about the things I write here are slim to none. And that knowledge is what makes me content. Content enough to tell it all.


It's been awhile since the ball has been in my court. It's finally my turn to be in control and for the first time I don't want to play, because when your past and your future collide it's hard to live in the present.

NYE

There was something really odd about the way I was feeling yesterday. I don't know what it was and I know it may seem cliche, but I really had an epiphany last night. Though I not very religious, I feel like God flashed this year back so I could see all the unecessary things/people I've dwelled on; talk about creepy. I'm not going to go into detail because it's something I can't explain. I only know how it feels.

I've come to the conclusion that there are many things I don't like about myself. I've realized that a lot of the things that I hold on to contribute to my anxiety, my bitterness and anger. I guess I just have to except things as they are and learn to just forgive. Despite it all I woke up this morning in such a blissful mood, though it's already been soured by being home.

I'm really trying to learn why I take things so personally. Why I make things my business that aren't necessarily mine and why I care so much. I guess I just have high expectations for life.

When the clock struck 12, I felt all together as if I knew exactly who I was. I really wish I could relive that moment again.

Ridiculous

A couple of weeks ago I would've got all upset, possibly even cried a little but I'm not. I've tried to make amends with you 3 times already, and clearly your too selfish to realize that I'm trying to be a bigger person. The craziest thing is your upset at me because I couldn't do a favor for you. I'm sorry that studying for my finals was more important, even though I stopped what I was doing, but your guy was no where to be found.


Honestly I could careless now. I no longer dwell over "friends" who aren't really friends anyway. Just please when we get back to Albany, don't act like shit is okay. I gave you three chances already and I'm done. I'll just wait for you to realize that your over reacting but by then you won't matter anymore.

Sober Thoughts

So I created a new blog on Tumblr. I guess I thought I needed a change but I find myself censoring everything I say because they're are too many people who know me that follow me. I still haven't learned how to express my true inner feelings and I kind of just wanna write for my own pleasure; not so people who could careless can read it. So I've made this blog my personal blog.


Lately I'll admit I've been really bitter probably because every night I lay in bed, and realize how much space there is for you to be here. It kills me that your forever in my thoughts, though I'm probably not in yours. Only time can tell what may happen, but as each day goes by I am constantly reminded that the likelihood of us ever being together gets diminished.


Reviewing this year in my mind I can't seem to remember anything. It seems like 09 was an amazing year for me and then in 2010 I was on auto pilot. I'll admit, I fucked up a lot this year. I don't think I put myself first at all and I just did things because they felt good and now I'm left regretting them.


It's a shame that I'm afraid to drink again knowing how emotional I get, and this time around it seems as though I have so many things to cry about. So unlike many, I will be a sober, bitter, heavy hearted person on New Year's hoping that you don't call me or end up at the same party.