Irony

I have a friend. He's honestly a phenomenal guy. His only flaw is the fact that he can't get over one of his exes. He's the only person that gave me a definition of what love is, and it was so elaborate I cannot put it into my own words.

If you think Usher had it bad, this man is beyond that. Who ever this woman is she doesn't know how to the extent of how much he loves her.

We were catching up today and he told me he has a heart condition. Basically his heart is enlarged and he has a whole in it.

How ironic is this?

I desperately don't want this to be me.

I'm Sorry

I'm happy. I really am, it's just these phases that come and go that keep me blogging here. I'd like to write about something good, but I just can't seem to condition myself to do so.

I'm not exactly sure what this feeling is. I don't feel pain, but my eyes water. It's like this constant anxiety missed with apathy.

God knows I'm never optimistic but I think that's the only reason why I'm holding on. what the fuck is wrong with me? smh

Just give me a reason to hate you; it would make my life so much easier.

Tell All

I feel like an asshole, because I don't feel like an asshole if that makes any sense. I wouldn't say that I've been using someone technically because I haven't asked for anything.

I've explained to him that I don't want him. I don't want to be anything with him now or the future but he sticks around. I don't know if he thinks that one day I will, but I could care less.

I have no feelings for him at all; he's just there when I need him to be. When ever I feel lonely, or I want some attention I know that if I call/text him he'll be there. Sometimes I feel bad because that's what I think he thinks about me. I'll always be there waiting for him. If he needs anything, I'll always be willing to do something for him.

I'm going to have to eventually let this guy go. I haven't done anything wrong, but I can't live with myself sometimes. I'm not gaining anything more but a bitter soul.

April Fool's Day

I don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. I should start the 9 page paper I have due on Tuesday, but knowing myself I won't. The only engagements I have are on Sunday.

There's a party tonight, and tomorrow but I sort of don't want to go. None of my girls are going and I'm starting to feel weird just going out with the guys. I really don't know why. Most of my friends have been males most of my life, which is fine but when you start going to places like parties with them it gets weird.

I don't care what anyone says most guys have motives/goals when they go out. It's either to "bag" x amount of girls, or probably even to hook up with someone. I really wouldn't want to be in the middle of that.

I'll be honest it's starting to bother me that this guy is becoming close friends with my really close friends. It's making it impossible to disappear or distance myself. I know this sounds immature but I don't want them to be friends. Who am I going to complain/go to now? Obviously not them anymore because their becoming friends with each other. It just makes the situation even more awkward.

I should've kept my rules. Don't date/talk to someone who goes to the same school as you. I did it all four years of high school, I don't know why I couldn't do it in college.

It's just somewhat unfair to me. Maybe I should find some new friends or move to the other side of the world. Or maybe he should. haha

Until next time...

I'm Sorry, I Really Sincerely Apologize

I feel terrible that I've forgotten about this blog. I don't know what I was thinking but I'm back again; for good.

I'm sorry for the few of you who read this blog and only see the dark, sad side of me. I know there aren't many of you, but this literally is the only place where I can reveal things as stupid as it may seem.

I'd rather not update you on my life. Nothings really changed. Everything for the most part is the same or has gotten worse. I still love him, but he doesn't know or for the most part even care. I try to move on but nothing seems to be working, so I've just been shrugging it off for the most part.

I really don't know what it is.

I feel like I'm losing myself again. As if I'm turning into this person that I swore I'd never be; it's inevitable.

Spring Break is in a few weeks. I'm not excited. I'm more than likely just going to stay home and depress myself.

I'm trying to tell myself I'm stronger than this. Physically I am, but when I have nothing to do you are all I think about.

I bet I sound insane.

The Beginning

After speaking to my ex last night I no longer have regrets. I thought that maybe I was being too judgemental, too selfish. Speaking to him reconfirmed why I don't want to be with him.

No matter what he thinks it wasn't about the arguments or his never ending need to be number one in my life or how he fiened for attention. He couldn't do the one thing that was so important to me which was just to listen.

In the year and some odd months that we dated he truly never got to.know me. Never cared enough to pay attention to the things I cared about or liked. Instead he faked it all by being the typical guy you see in the movies. You know, the ones who bring you flowers with a card and some chocolate.

I'm happy he never made me food, he probably would've killed me.

But this entry isn't about him anymore, it's about me. It's about how hard it is to find someone who cares about things just as much as I do. Someone who will do a favor for anyone even if they don't deserve it.
I'm too nice and the worst part is I know that'll never change.

The best part is I'm not angry. I'm very happy because one day you'll realize your mistakes and what your missing out on.

Failing Myself

We are always told to expect the worse. To use optimism and look on the brighter side of things.

I wanted my pessimistic thoughts to be proven wrong. Though I was right, I still have lost.

I have a new technique of coping with things; it's laughing. Laughing at myself for being so foolish. Laughing at the situation in general. Laughing at the fact that I still care.

Thai Food

Yesterday or what yesterday is according to me, I went out with a few of my co-workers that I worked with over the summer. A few didn't come but I still had a great time.

We checked out this Thai place that's near Union Square called Republic. I've been there before but years ago with my sister, though I didn't notice until later

After eating we shopped around and eventually found ourselves at a warehouse party in Brooklyn. I have to admit that I didn't really enjoy myself. The place was too small and when I got home I smelled like I had been living in a cigarette box. For paying nothing, I can't really complain.

I've been alright lately. I leave to go back to Albany on Sunday and I have a semester filled with new adventures approaching.

until next time...

Parents

I've been home for less than a month and I'm ready to go back to school. I guess when your away from home without someone always having a magnify glass watching your every move you get used to it.

Long story short my parents think I have an eating disorder. Apparently I don't eat as much as I used to which is true. I'll admit I have become a little "body conscience" from putting on a few pounds this symester, but my goal is to get back in shape. People don't realize that even though your "slim" doesn't mean your fit. I've literally been cutting back on junk food, nothing else.

It doesn't help that this week I've came home without any type of appetite. Last night I ate at Veronicas house (twas delicious), but of course they don't believe me.

I think my parents just wanna take care of me or do something for me. Out of my 5 siblings I was the one who was never sick, never got a phone call from school, never really in trouble. Perhaps they just want a reason to be concerned even if it is made up.

I try to tell them I'm fine, but they don't listen. I just want them to stop worrying about nothing.

backlight

I don't know what it is about this time. Maybe it's the darkness that paints my walls or the lack of noise that makes me think.

I really feel like I just need to escape for awhile. I need to abandon all my responsibilities and routines that are keeping me binded. I really just want to go somewhere new where no one knows me or hows a prerequisite opinion or idea of who I am.

Sincerely, I'm wishing I get into this study abroad program. I need this change of pace, but I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

I finished my essay; I hope its better than what they're expecting.

On a positive note, I met Julian today. He's an adorable little couch potatoe. It's made me realize how little I know about babies and how intimidated I am of the thought of having my own.

Lately

I had a really great time yesterday. I hung out with two of my closets friends, went out to dinner and just talked. It's only been a little more than a year that I've known them and it seems like they know me to the T. I can't hide things like I do from everyone else. They pay too much attention to my manerisms, gestures and movements; it's weird. I don't have to tell them how I'm feeling for them to know; they just do.

It's a good thing to have people like this in your life, but then again it also sucks. I'd rather go unnoticed then to have someone paying attention to me at all intervals of life. I'd just rather me dwell on what I'm dwelling on without people knowing that I'm dwelling.

Today I may go visit Veronica finally even though I'm still not feeling well. I need to just keep myself busy. I'm also waiting on these 2 books I've been dieing to read. Hopefully they'll come in today.

Until next time...

12-3

I know your up. What your doing? Who knows. I can only imagine. These late nights get worse as I fall into a coma of thoughts. Trying to relive every moment, invision every smile. I'm awaiting to be awaken, but only by you.

I keep making excuses. I'm honestly a moron for falling for someone like you, and though I know you have issues, we all do, I'm still sticking around. I know by nature I'm a negative thinker, but I see no positive results. No miracle. Please, prove me wrong.

while your sleeping...

It's a shame how sleepless my nights have become. Is it the guilt? My own personnel thoughts eroiding my self conscience? Is it me knowing how badly I fucked up? How it feels for the first time to not be robotic? I swam in the shores of c.palace with thoughts of being in the jungle; this isn't me. Though when I arose, I was left with nothing. Asking myself what it was all for.

For a few months I lost myself, and now I'll be climbing these walls just recapture it all.

Content

I think it's really weird how I'm completely content with sharing some of my inner thoughts here. Just writing away, looking at this computer screen as I just let it out. Call me crazy but I feel like the people who know you the most, are more likely to judge you. For that reason I find it hard telling my friends how I feel and what's actually going on in my life. Instead I turn to you. You being this blog. This sheet of paper awaiting and willing to listen to what I have to say. You being this person reading this. Who ever you are. How you found my blog doesn't matter, because the odds of you confronting me about the things I write here are slim to none. And that knowledge is what makes me content. Content enough to tell it all.


It's been awhile since the ball has been in my court. It's finally my turn to be in control and for the first time I don't want to play, because when your past and your future collide it's hard to live in the present.

NYE

There was something really odd about the way I was feeling yesterday. I don't know what it was and I know it may seem cliche, but I really had an epiphany last night. Though I not very religious, I feel like God flashed this year back so I could see all the unecessary things/people I've dwelled on; talk about creepy. I'm not going to go into detail because it's something I can't explain. I only know how it feels.

I've come to the conclusion that there are many things I don't like about myself. I've realized that a lot of the things that I hold on to contribute to my anxiety, my bitterness and anger. I guess I just have to except things as they are and learn to just forgive. Despite it all I woke up this morning in such a blissful mood, though it's already been soured by being home.

I'm really trying to learn why I take things so personally. Why I make things my business that aren't necessarily mine and why I care so much. I guess I just have high expectations for life.

When the clock struck 12, I felt all together as if I knew exactly who I was. I really wish I could relive that moment again.