NYE

There was something really odd about the way I was feeling yesterday. I don't know what it was and I know it may seem cliche, but I really had an epiphany last night. Though I not very religious, I feel like God flashed this year back so I could see all the unecessary things/people I've dwelled on; talk about creepy. I'm not going to go into detail because it's something I can't explain. I only know how it feels.

I've come to the conclusion that there are many things I don't like about myself. I've realized that a lot of the things that I hold on to contribute to my anxiety, my bitterness and anger. I guess I just have to except things as they are and learn to just forgive. Despite it all I woke up this morning in such a blissful mood, though it's already been soured by being home.

I'm really trying to learn why I take things so personally. Why I make things my business that aren't necessarily mine and why I care so much. I guess I just have high expectations for life.

When the clock struck 12, I felt all together as if I knew exactly who I was. I really wish I could relive that moment again.

Ridiculous

A couple of weeks ago I would've got all upset, possibly even cried a little but I'm not. I've tried to make amends with you 3 times already, and clearly your too selfish to realize that I'm trying to be a bigger person. The craziest thing is your upset at me because I couldn't do a favor for you. I'm sorry that studying for my finals was more important, even though I stopped what I was doing, but your guy was no where to be found.


Honestly I could careless now. I no longer dwell over "friends" who aren't really friends anyway. Just please when we get back to Albany, don't act like shit is okay. I gave you three chances already and I'm done. I'll just wait for you to realize that your over reacting but by then you won't matter anymore.

Sober Thoughts

So I created a new blog on Tumblr. I guess I thought I needed a change but I find myself censoring everything I say because they're are too many people who know me that follow me. I still haven't learned how to express my true inner feelings and I kind of just wanna write for my own pleasure; not so people who could careless can read it. So I've made this blog my personal blog.


Lately I'll admit I've been really bitter probably because every night I lay in bed, and realize how much space there is for you to be here. It kills me that your forever in my thoughts, though I'm probably not in yours. Only time can tell what may happen, but as each day goes by I am constantly reminded that the likelihood of us ever being together gets diminished.


Reviewing this year in my mind I can't seem to remember anything. It seems like 09 was an amazing year for me and then in 2010 I was on auto pilot. I'll admit, I fucked up a lot this year. I don't think I put myself first at all and I just did things because they felt good and now I'm left regretting them.


It's a shame that I'm afraid to drink again knowing how emotional I get, and this time around it seems as though I have so many things to cry about. So unlike many, I will be a sober, bitter, heavy hearted person on New Year's hoping that you don't call me or end up at the same party.

"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."
— Hunter S. Thompson

Scattered Thoughts

For some odd reason I'm feeling really blissful right now. I had such an amazing weekend just being around people that have such a huge affect on the way I feel. For the first time in a while I feel loved and appreciated.


For some odd reason I feel really spiritual and at peace. Its starting to scare me how in-tune I can be with myself; I'm starting to like it.


I haven't been home in 4 months. Clearly I've been doing too much this semester. Secretly I just didn't wanna miss anything [or you], but I'm thrilled to see my family finally!


So now I'm just sitting in my room, anticipated an amazing break :)

until next time....

Redemption

I've had a pretty good day today I have to admit. Despite the hours I spent doing work, I feel pretty accomplished and satisfied, though there's a pile of papers sitting next to me that I haven't tackled yet. :(

I really hate hiding things, let alone being "phony". I'd rather show what I'm feeling but as we all know, wearing your heart on your sleeve gets you no where.

It's amazing to see how certain situations can have an everlasting affect on someone despite if you acknowledge them or not. I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that everything that goes unspoken about is unfortunately taking a huge tole on me now. I guess now that I'm older and mature I've realized that there's nothing to do but talk about them, accept them and let it go; being me nothing's really easy.

I know I'm a pessimist and I tend to dwell on the negative most of the time but when I say I'm forever grateful for the things I have and the people who are there for me I truly mean it.

On a random side note, Four Loko's have been banned in New York State. Am I upset? Absolutely not but clearly our government has put a hierarchy on the negative things you can consume. It's okay to give smoke cigarettes, which cause all types of cancers but not other things. (I'm clearly playing the devil's advocate here)

Until Next Time.....

I'm Back At It Again

So I've decided that I can't just abandon my blog. How rude of me to think of such an idea. Instead of completely starting a new one, I'm just going to continue with my speel or what ever comes to mind.

I feel like I have this artistic block. For me there's no other way to say the sky is blue besides the sky is blue. Everyone inspires to be this lyrical genius that uses similies, metaphors and all types of grammatical sexiness that I can't seem to do. Maybe I'm just too simple? Too modest? Too regualar ? Who knows.

I've noticed this semester that I'm still having trouble with just being honest with myself. We all know how straight forward, blunt and overall truthful I can be, but for some reason I can't seem to allow myself to be (says in quiet voice) vunerable again. I hate talking about myself, acknowledging my own feelings and it's been getting me in a lot of trouble. I wish I could just stop being Casie or go back to the non-emotional, uptight, always in-control person I used to be. It's amazing to witness my own evolution.

On a better note, for the first time in a while I can say things are good.
I hope they stay this way.