gurrrr

It's insane how I anticipate and can not wait until I get home, and then within less than two days I wanna leave.

currently counting down the days until I go back to UA.

P.S

Because I'm the bigger person I'm absolutely not going to shout you out but, you are extremely phony. bye :) 

Virus

Do you think that our paths are already mapped out? That the things we accomplish or don't are already set in stone? Is it possible to mess  up something that was supposed to be which could be seen as messing up your own future that has already been set?

I'm still really lost, not sure if I've been making the best decisions for myself but yet who knows what the best decisions are if you don't know the outcome? I've just been feeling really empty lately as if I have no one. No one to talk to and by that I men spill every secret, every lie and every tear to. Someone who you know is there and will always be.

I really, really, really, really miss my Mom. I miss her yelling at me about what mothers usually yell about : You're room being dirty, coming home too late, or arguing with your siblings. I miss the fact that she is the only person that has ever continuously made me happy even if she couldn't/can't give me all the things I want/need. I just miss being around her, anticipating her coming home from work to hear all the events of her day. I just miss her, period.

 Sometimes I feel like I've made the wrong decision. Like I was just being selfish and not thinking in the long run. It seems like I'm making the same mistakes over and over and never learning from them. I just wish there was a way of knowing. A way to figure out what I need to do and if this is right. I'm just so confused and thinking about it just makes me numb. I don't want to feel, but I need to.

My life right now seems like my laptop right now. There's a virus that's there but I always click the postpone button because I just don't want to deal with it.

Things That Are Meant To Be Hidden

Recently, my feelings of self worth have been diminishing and fluctuating. Sometimes I feel beautiful and confident but most of the time I don't. I think it's better if I go unnoticed, hidden in the back just so I won't be compared to others. I never really thought that I'd being going through this. You know, the whole body image thing but being around other females so often I compare myself a lot to them.

Maybe it's just me. I'm psycologically programmed to think this way. Maybe this is why all these years I'd rather hang out with guys and usually have a significant amount of more male friends than females (despite the fact that they don't have drama).

But I have a question : What does it mean when the people your surronded by are constantly complimented, but you're not? Does it mean that you don't deserve a compliment or that they're just not interested? How should someone feel always been ignored or just unrecognized?

Maybe I shouldn't dwell on this. Maybe these self hatred feelings will go away, but yet maybe there are too many maybe's.

I couldn't sleep which is probably the reason why I'm bloggin at 6 am. I honestly don't know what it is. I have a midterm at 8:45 in one of my favorite classes: Holocaust in History. That will probably be the highlight of my day.


On a better note, Sunday was my group's (Service. Is. Key's) biggest event of the year. Our Hip-Hop/Gospel Fusion Competiton was a sell out. The audience was fantastic and everyone had a fabulous time. For once I feel accomplished.

Congratulations to the winners:
 1st Place- Tammy 'Po3tre3'Lopez
2nd Place- UA NASHA
3rd Place- Neil

I'd also like to thank everyone for their support and look out for our events in the future.


now back to my depressed state.

Tired of Living

I am absolutely confused and possibly even lost. My feelings are not exact. They just fluctuate. I can't tell what I want, I can't tell what I need. There is no answer.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to make the wrong decision, but who know's what right or wrong?

All I do know is that I feel like I'm wasting my time. Like I'm in this just for the hell of it and not because I want to be. I'm avoiding making an action, turning something upside down because possibly someone will hate me.

I don't know what to do. It's easier said than done, but I know this will not go away unless I make the first move. I need to stop thinking about others. Just put myself first, but it's impossible when you've never done something like this before. I'm sitting here on the verge of tears. Trying to find a reason for staying when in reality there is none; none that is good enough.

Everyone has an answer, everyone has something to say but no one really knows the depth of what I'm going through. It eroids my mind, my soul, my life. everything. I've been trying and trying and trying but I just can't anymore. I can't sit here and pretend like everything's okay. Like I'm happy. Like I'm glad to be with you.

I'm just tired of living.

Snow Day

It's been practically a month since I've blogged. I don't know what it is. I haven't been that busy, just not really in the mood to write I guess.

Everything has been going great so far. I love my classes except for Biology which I didn't expect to like. Feminism is okay even though I still don't believe I am a feminist, though others are telling me otherwise. When I read the articles for class in the back of my mind I vision women in the Middle East. Oppressed would be the understatment of the year to describe them. I look at their situation and think to myself  "what the hell am I complaining about?", atleast I can walk the street without a man beside me. It really infuritates me to see how closed minded and self absorbed people are.

Besides classes going well I really think that everything is coming together really well. I have had no problems lately at all. My suitemates are all good, family is well taken care of and my love life, well we won't get into that.

Sometimes I think I put myselves in situations that I'm not really ready for. Like planning out the rest of my life now and I just think "For what?". I want to experience new things, meet new people and not just be stuck to the same life style that I have now. I feel like I'm not free. Free from expression and just doing anything I want to do.

Kwame and I just made 11 months together earlier this week. It's amazing to see how time goes by so fast. 11 months !? I can't believe it myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for a forever like commitment; not saying that I'm putting a time limit on this. Thinking about it, I feel like in ways I've changed for the worse because of it.

On a better note, today is the first Snow Day in Albany. My first snow day in college :) It literally has been snowing for 2 days now. haha

Until next time......

Oh yeah, Jennifer-Lee Pang has become the first memeber of my sorority: Zeta Feta Upsilon "Fat Girls Incorporate" lmfao I love you :)
(it's a joke relax people)

:)

Lost Hope

My nights for the most part consist of lost dreams, cold sweats and complete loss of sleep or atleast close to none. My mind wonders as I have no one to talk to, to help put me back to sleep or comfort. I am falling apart.

These things have started to happen recent without a sign that they were approaching. I don't know what wrong with me. Is it fixable? Who knows. I just know that I'm tired of being tired and of being stressed and hopeless. This is supposed to be a good experience. A good one, where there are in fact ups and downs but mostly ups. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or if I'm going in the wrong direction. I just can't seem to get a grasp on this thing called life.

I'm rotting in my own evoiding self. With the all the negative thinking but I can't help it. I believe there is a perfect but it is beyond me

Brick By Boring Brick

Albany is exactly what I expected. Not surprisingly I did actually miss it. It's been great to reconnect with my friends and have some what of an easy going life style. I'm definitely going to soak this up for sure.

Even though I've only been in school since Wednesday this week seems so long ! I feel like the days have been dragging on and todays only Thursday ! I'm not in a rush or anything but jesh can we move any slower? This semester has really been hitting my pockets. My books are extremely expensive for basically no reason. I really see why some people don't attend college. Besides tuition being one of the worries college is just really expensive ! I doubt that I'll have enough money left to enjoy the weeekend by the time I'm done paying for books.

Speaking of this weekend, Saturdays my birthday which I'm not really looking forward to. I really don't feel like going out or spending money that I really can't afford to spend. To be honest it's sort of depressing. I really don't know what I'm gonna do.

Looking around at some of my friends fb profiles you always see that most people have someone in their corner. Someone rooting for them and supporting them no matter what. That's something that I lack. I don't have old high school teachers or family memebers in my corner leaving me comments about how successful I'll be or how they're proud. I mean I'm not "hating", I'm just kind of jealous. Everyone at a certain time deserves a pat on the back every now and then even though you don't really need it. I think that's something that I've never had.

So I'm at work extremely bored as always. Luckily I'm only here to 2 hours but I have a class 45 minutes later. I can't wait til its over so I can go back to sleep. I'm really exaughsted.

Well that's it for now. I'll be sure to update later.