Ridiculous

A couple of weeks ago I would've got all upset, possibly even cried a little but I'm not. I've tried to make amends with you 3 times already, and clearly your too selfish to realize that I'm trying to be a bigger person. The craziest thing is your upset at me because I couldn't do a favor for you. I'm sorry that studying for my finals was more important, even though I stopped what I was doing, but your guy was no where to be found.


Honestly I could careless now. I no longer dwell over "friends" who aren't really friends anyway. Just please when we get back to Albany, don't act like shit is okay. I gave you three chances already and I'm done. I'll just wait for you to realize that your over reacting but by then you won't matter anymore.

Sober Thoughts

So I created a new blog on Tumblr. I guess I thought I needed a change but I find myself censoring everything I say because they're are too many people who know me that follow me. I still haven't learned how to express my true inner feelings and I kind of just wanna write for my own pleasure; not so people who could careless can read it. So I've made this blog my personal blog.


Lately I'll admit I've been really bitter probably because every night I lay in bed, and realize how much space there is for you to be here. It kills me that your forever in my thoughts, though I'm probably not in yours. Only time can tell what may happen, but as each day goes by I am constantly reminded that the likelihood of us ever being together gets diminished.


Reviewing this year in my mind I can't seem to remember anything. It seems like 09 was an amazing year for me and then in 2010 I was on auto pilot. I'll admit, I fucked up a lot this year. I don't think I put myself first at all and I just did things because they felt good and now I'm left regretting them.


It's a shame that I'm afraid to drink again knowing how emotional I get, and this time around it seems as though I have so many things to cry about. So unlike many, I will be a sober, bitter, heavy hearted person on New Year's hoping that you don't call me or end up at the same party.

"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."
— Hunter S. Thompson

Scattered Thoughts

For some odd reason I'm feeling really blissful right now. I had such an amazing weekend just being around people that have such a huge affect on the way I feel. For the first time in a while I feel loved and appreciated.


For some odd reason I feel really spiritual and at peace. Its starting to scare me how in-tune I can be with myself; I'm starting to like it.


I haven't been home in 4 months. Clearly I've been doing too much this semester. Secretly I just didn't wanna miss anything [or you], but I'm thrilled to see my family finally!


So now I'm just sitting in my room, anticipated an amazing break :)

until next time....

Redemption

I've had a pretty good day today I have to admit. Despite the hours I spent doing work, I feel pretty accomplished and satisfied, though there's a pile of papers sitting next to me that I haven't tackled yet. :(

I really hate hiding things, let alone being "phony". I'd rather show what I'm feeling but as we all know, wearing your heart on your sleeve gets you no where.

It's amazing to see how certain situations can have an everlasting affect on someone despite if you acknowledge them or not. I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that everything that goes unspoken about is unfortunately taking a huge tole on me now. I guess now that I'm older and mature I've realized that there's nothing to do but talk about them, accept them and let it go; being me nothing's really easy.

I know I'm a pessimist and I tend to dwell on the negative most of the time but when I say I'm forever grateful for the things I have and the people who are there for me I truly mean it.

On a random side note, Four Loko's have been banned in New York State. Am I upset? Absolutely not but clearly our government has put a hierarchy on the negative things you can consume. It's okay to give smoke cigarettes, which cause all types of cancers but not other things. (I'm clearly playing the devil's advocate here)

Until Next Time.....

I'm Back At It Again

So I've decided that I can't just abandon my blog. How rude of me to think of such an idea. Instead of completely starting a new one, I'm just going to continue with my speel or what ever comes to mind.

I feel like I have this artistic block. For me there's no other way to say the sky is blue besides the sky is blue. Everyone inspires to be this lyrical genius that uses similies, metaphors and all types of grammatical sexiness that I can't seem to do. Maybe I'm just too simple? Too modest? Too regualar ? Who knows.

I've noticed this semester that I'm still having trouble with just being honest with myself. We all know how straight forward, blunt and overall truthful I can be, but for some reason I can't seem to allow myself to be (says in quiet voice) vunerable again. I hate talking about myself, acknowledging my own feelings and it's been getting me in a lot of trouble. I wish I could just stop being Casie or go back to the non-emotional, uptight, always in-control person I used to be. It's amazing to witness my own evolution.

On a better note, for the first time in a while I can say things are good.
I hope they stay this way.

adios.

It seems as if every guy that I've ever been interested in is either in a relationship, something like a relationship, completely heartbroken or in the midst of getting over someone. In a sense it sort of makes me wonder where I stand exactly in the world of dating.

Someone said something really important to me today, which of course I'm not going to repeat and it made me really think. The outcome of this is I've decided to close down this blog and start something new. Since this was created solely based on someone else's wants/needs I've decided to do something for me (takes a huge sigh of relief). Maybe I'll be back, there's a possibility that I won't but you never know.

Summer 2010 Update #1

So I finally found a job. The only problem is I hate it. I hate waking up at 6 am 5 days a week to stand in the sun for 7 hours and get paid as if my job isn't that hard.
Your probably asking where could I be working and surprisingly it's at a summer camp. I enjoy working with kids but these people don't know how to run a camp at all ! It's
honestly ridiculous*.

Other than working my but off I'm super excited to go back to UA. I'm already tired of the city. Idk I just feel like I'm not having fun. There's so many things I could be
doing but I kind of don't have much of a choice. Maybe I should take a day off or two.

It's definitely the truth that as humans we often desire things that we cannot have and go beyond lengths to achieve these ridiculous* goals. Instead of being satisfied with
what we have we try to make the impossible, possible. Everyone wants to fall in love and everyone thinks that they need to go searching for it. I think if you wait, ultimately
good things will come; so that's exactly what I'm doing.

Until next time...

:)

1 Down, 3 More to Go

I have to say that yes I have completely forgot about my blog. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written and tremendous things have happened so I'll try and sum everything up.

My first year of college is over (yay). I can't believe how quickly it has gone by. I've met so many amazing people at UA and I have to say that it has been such an amazing experience. The memories are everlasting and I cannot wait until the Fall ! I'm proud of my accomplishments this year, Dean's List both semesters (woo hoo) and making some of the best friends I know I'll have for awhile (at least I hope)

I'm really happy that I've gotten a chance to develop such great close friendships. To  my girls in 602: Tracy, Leiry, Chantelle and Argentina, I love you all so much and I'm so happy we got to live with each other. You all have become my family and you mean so much to me. I know we always say that the person who created our suite definitely got it right, but I think it's more than that. Everything happens for a reason <3

I'm definitely going to miss all the crazy moments that happened this year. Only the people (you know who you are) really know what really went down. From the BINGO Boys to trashing our neighbors suite. I really wish I could relive every single moment.


Now to the boring part, it's summer and honestly I don't know what it holds for me. I've been job searching ridiculously; I pray I get something ! I'm just hoping that this summer will be great with absolutely no drama ! (that's impossible).

On a better note, today I was just thinking aimlessly as usually and I thought of this:
        In life there will always be those that come and go. Those who stay are obviously here for a reason.
        It's just your mission to figure out why.

This made me think of my best friend Veronica. I love this girl so much words can't explain and through thick and thin I know she'll always be here for me and vise virsa.

Well that's it for me. I'll try and stay posted here and there :)

gurrrr

It's insane how I anticipate and can not wait until I get home, and then within less than two days I wanna leave.

currently counting down the days until I go back to UA.

P.S

Because I'm the bigger person I'm absolutely not going to shout you out but, you are extremely phony. bye :) 

Virus

Do you think that our paths are already mapped out? That the things we accomplish or don't are already set in stone? Is it possible to mess  up something that was supposed to be which could be seen as messing up your own future that has already been set?

I'm still really lost, not sure if I've been making the best decisions for myself but yet who knows what the best decisions are if you don't know the outcome? I've just been feeling really empty lately as if I have no one. No one to talk to and by that I men spill every secret, every lie and every tear to. Someone who you know is there and will always be.

I really, really, really, really miss my Mom. I miss her yelling at me about what mothers usually yell about : You're room being dirty, coming home too late, or arguing with your siblings. I miss the fact that she is the only person that has ever continuously made me happy even if she couldn't/can't give me all the things I want/need. I just miss being around her, anticipating her coming home from work to hear all the events of her day. I just miss her, period.

 Sometimes I feel like I've made the wrong decision. Like I was just being selfish and not thinking in the long run. It seems like I'm making the same mistakes over and over and never learning from them. I just wish there was a way of knowing. A way to figure out what I need to do and if this is right. I'm just so confused and thinking about it just makes me numb. I don't want to feel, but I need to.

My life right now seems like my laptop right now. There's a virus that's there but I always click the postpone button because I just don't want to deal with it.

Things That Are Meant To Be Hidden

Recently, my feelings of self worth have been diminishing and fluctuating. Sometimes I feel beautiful and confident but most of the time I don't. I think it's better if I go unnoticed, hidden in the back just so I won't be compared to others. I never really thought that I'd being going through this. You know, the whole body image thing but being around other females so often I compare myself a lot to them.

Maybe it's just me. I'm psycologically programmed to think this way. Maybe this is why all these years I'd rather hang out with guys and usually have a significant amount of more male friends than females (despite the fact that they don't have drama).

But I have a question : What does it mean when the people your surronded by are constantly complimented, but you're not? Does it mean that you don't deserve a compliment or that they're just not interested? How should someone feel always been ignored or just unrecognized?

Maybe I shouldn't dwell on this. Maybe these self hatred feelings will go away, but yet maybe there are too many maybe's.

I couldn't sleep which is probably the reason why I'm bloggin at 6 am. I honestly don't know what it is. I have a midterm at 8:45 in one of my favorite classes: Holocaust in History. That will probably be the highlight of my day.


On a better note, Sunday was my group's (Service. Is. Key's) biggest event of the year. Our Hip-Hop/Gospel Fusion Competiton was a sell out. The audience was fantastic and everyone had a fabulous time. For once I feel accomplished.

Congratulations to the winners:
 1st Place- Tammy 'Po3tre3'Lopez
2nd Place- UA NASHA
3rd Place- Neil

I'd also like to thank everyone for their support and look out for our events in the future.


now back to my depressed state.

Tired of Living

I am absolutely confused and possibly even lost. My feelings are not exact. They just fluctuate. I can't tell what I want, I can't tell what I need. There is no answer.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to make the wrong decision, but who know's what right or wrong?

All I do know is that I feel like I'm wasting my time. Like I'm in this just for the hell of it and not because I want to be. I'm avoiding making an action, turning something upside down because possibly someone will hate me.

I don't know what to do. It's easier said than done, but I know this will not go away unless I make the first move. I need to stop thinking about others. Just put myself first, but it's impossible when you've never done something like this before. I'm sitting here on the verge of tears. Trying to find a reason for staying when in reality there is none; none that is good enough.

Everyone has an answer, everyone has something to say but no one really knows the depth of what I'm going through. It eroids my mind, my soul, my life. everything. I've been trying and trying and trying but I just can't anymore. I can't sit here and pretend like everything's okay. Like I'm happy. Like I'm glad to be with you.

I'm just tired of living.

Snow Day

It's been practically a month since I've blogged. I don't know what it is. I haven't been that busy, just not really in the mood to write I guess.

Everything has been going great so far. I love my classes except for Biology which I didn't expect to like. Feminism is okay even though I still don't believe I am a feminist, though others are telling me otherwise. When I read the articles for class in the back of my mind I vision women in the Middle East. Oppressed would be the understatment of the year to describe them. I look at their situation and think to myself  "what the hell am I complaining about?", atleast I can walk the street without a man beside me. It really infuritates me to see how closed minded and self absorbed people are.

Besides classes going well I really think that everything is coming together really well. I have had no problems lately at all. My suitemates are all good, family is well taken care of and my love life, well we won't get into that.

Sometimes I think I put myselves in situations that I'm not really ready for. Like planning out the rest of my life now and I just think "For what?". I want to experience new things, meet new people and not just be stuck to the same life style that I have now. I feel like I'm not free. Free from expression and just doing anything I want to do.

Kwame and I just made 11 months together earlier this week. It's amazing to see how time goes by so fast. 11 months !? I can't believe it myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for a forever like commitment; not saying that I'm putting a time limit on this. Thinking about it, I feel like in ways I've changed for the worse because of it.

On a better note, today is the first Snow Day in Albany. My first snow day in college :) It literally has been snowing for 2 days now. haha

Until next time......

Oh yeah, Jennifer-Lee Pang has become the first memeber of my sorority: Zeta Feta Upsilon "Fat Girls Incorporate" lmfao I love you :)
(it's a joke relax people)

:)

Lost Hope

My nights for the most part consist of lost dreams, cold sweats and complete loss of sleep or atleast close to none. My mind wonders as I have no one to talk to, to help put me back to sleep or comfort. I am falling apart.

These things have started to happen recent without a sign that they were approaching. I don't know what wrong with me. Is it fixable? Who knows. I just know that I'm tired of being tired and of being stressed and hopeless. This is supposed to be a good experience. A good one, where there are in fact ups and downs but mostly ups. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or if I'm going in the wrong direction. I just can't seem to get a grasp on this thing called life.

I'm rotting in my own evoiding self. With the all the negative thinking but I can't help it. I believe there is a perfect but it is beyond me

Brick By Boring Brick

Albany is exactly what I expected. Not surprisingly I did actually miss it. It's been great to reconnect with my friends and have some what of an easy going life style. I'm definitely going to soak this up for sure.

Even though I've only been in school since Wednesday this week seems so long ! I feel like the days have been dragging on and todays only Thursday ! I'm not in a rush or anything but jesh can we move any slower? This semester has really been hitting my pockets. My books are extremely expensive for basically no reason. I really see why some people don't attend college. Besides tuition being one of the worries college is just really expensive ! I doubt that I'll have enough money left to enjoy the weeekend by the time I'm done paying for books.

Speaking of this weekend, Saturdays my birthday which I'm not really looking forward to. I really don't feel like going out or spending money that I really can't afford to spend. To be honest it's sort of depressing. I really don't know what I'm gonna do.

Looking around at some of my friends fb profiles you always see that most people have someone in their corner. Someone rooting for them and supporting them no matter what. That's something that I lack. I don't have old high school teachers or family memebers in my corner leaving me comments about how successful I'll be or how they're proud. I mean I'm not "hating", I'm just kind of jealous. Everyone at a certain time deserves a pat on the back every now and then even though you don't really need it. I think that's something that I've never had.

So I'm at work extremely bored as always. Luckily I'm only here to 2 hours but I have a class 45 minutes later. I can't wait til its over so I can go back to sleep. I'm really exaughsted.

Well that's it for now. I'll be sure to update later.

Food For Thought

Coming back home for the break I thought I could change everything. I thought I could make things return to the normal type of life that I once had. You know the perfect scenario: boyfriend, love, best friend(s), family and good times. But its taken me today, the day before I go back to Albany to realize that I cannot, only because things are meant to be the way they are.

Today I am extremely happy that things have turned out the way they are. It's taken me beyond many challenges to see what I was getting myself into. Befriending what I called was a best friend definitely wasn't what I thought it was. Looking at this person today he/she is someone that I wouldn't want to be around. Someone who displays a loving nature (which he/she is), but possess the kind of back stabbing, two-face, conniving demeanor that I long to be nothing a part. I feel like it's my duty to give a warning and reveal the truth but it's not my responsibility. People have to learn on they're own just like I have.

This vacation has been one of much learning, fun and ups and downs, but I'm so ready to go back to Albany ! I'm actually excited which is a first. I'm anticipating one hectic week but I'm ready.

Are you? :)

you WERE my bestfriend.

It's actually pretty sad that I don't know what today's date is.When your not in school or you don't really have anything really important to do it really doesn't matter. Today is a day just like yesterday and the day before. The only difference is probably the weather or what you'll do.

I'm really sorry I haven't been blogging much, I've just been so busy having fun and enjoying myself, but I will tell you about my terrible day yesterday. Approximately 3 days ago I started to have this tooth ache. At first it really wasn't bad just some discomfort here and there but eventually it escalated to the point where I found myself crying hysterically. Yesterday I went to the dentist where I had to have a root canal because of some nerve damage due to my stupid wisdom tooth growing in. It wasn't painful at all (although rumors say otherwise). He made sure I was highly sudated and everything went well. Thankfully Kwame waited and stayed with me which I really want to thank him for. I could barely talk afterward since my mouth was completely numb but it wasn't so bad.

My random thought of today is why do people make there significant other such a priority. I'm not talking about people who are married, just teens/young adults who are in a relationship. Looking at some of my friends it seems like everytime they have a girlfriend/boyfriend they forget about their friends who are in many cases just as important. Friendships and even best friends end a relationship because the person simply can't balance it out.

So my question is : Is it wrong to make your significant other such a priority that you forget about your friends that have known you for years, or is it just expected ?

For me personally my answer is yes. For most of my life my friends have been my life and as they say boys come and go. To me my friends are not less than or more important than my boyfriend, they are just as important. However, I think that most people don't think that way. Once you get in a relationship it becomes all about them and no one else. I've seen people who were best friends completely not speak to each other anymore because of a boy. A BOY ! Idk for myself I think Kwame understands how important my friends are and he even knows them so it makes things easier. But who knows.

What do you think ?

Random Thoughts

So it's my first post of the New Year. I hate to start off on a bad note but I've just had a random thought.

Why is it that we humans always complain about things when there are people in the world that obviously have it far worse than ourselves. I know that I'm guilty, being the complainer that I am but the things I complain about really don't matter. It's those of you that always say and write about the same things.

I'm sure I sound a little harsh. There has to be some where to spill your thoughts and just vent, but why about the same issue over and over again. It makes me want to just discontinue what ever you say/write.

The other day I was reading other people blogs that I follow and there is one individual that never writes about anything happy or positive. I'm sure throughout your "dreadful" day there was one thing that made you smile or made you atleast think of a positive thought. But you see that's what's wrong with our society. We only dwell or broadcast the negative rather than those things that are actually uplifting. Therefore I really can't judge this person, for they are only doing what we are expected to do.

The last couple of weeks have been beautiful (not the weather, just the things that I've done). Hanging out with new and some old friends makes me feel like this have not changed and of course Kwame being there is just a perk. I really have no complaints at all, because I'm trying to look on the bright side.

There's a lot of things coming up that I'm not necessarily looking forward to, but most of them I am. Second semester is approaching, my 19th birthday (i'm getting old), and some other things. But I'm just going to take it a day at a time and not rush it.

Today I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm sure I'll update you later.

Until next time...