So Long 2009, Hello 2010 :)

It's been a year of up's and downs, laughter and crying, pro's and con's, changes some bad and some good but overall 2009 was a great year.

Looking back on my life and my blogs I see the changes that I've gone through because of friends and family and I really believe it was one of the greatest years of my life. I've met so many people, been through so many things and despite them all I've learned so many things about people and even more so myself.

I'm really not into resolutions or anything because I feel like it's usually hard to follow, or people make them just because it sounds good. My resolution that I'm going to work extremely hard to follow is to just take it easy and live life not expecting things to be so perfect. This year I've been so uptight and cared too much bout things, which isn't always bad but it's time for a change. So in 2010 I'm going to just relax a bit and have fun.

Ending this year there's a lot of things I'm sad about. Especially about the way things turned out with certain people. We always hurt the ones we love the most, accidently of course, but  I'm hoping I can make things the way they were before.

But on a better note, I wish you, who ever you are reading this an amazing New Year. I hope 2010 is a great as the previous.

So I'm ready for 2010. Best Friend's married, second semester of college approaching, and a hair cut.
Let's Do It !

:)

7 inches.

As bad and terrible as it may seem, I really don't feel like studying right now. Sure I have two finals in 2 days, but I'm just not in the "studying mood", so I guess I'm procrastinating right now. For some reason the idea of going home does not act as a motivator. It's more or less the reason why I'm so distracted haha. I can't wait to be home, I know I'm going to have tons of fun with the amigos.

This week thus far has been pretty good, no complaints for the most part. It's a great feeling having no classes. I wish the school year consisted of more of these days. Today, so far, I've went to the Campus Center along with Chanti, despite the 7 inches of snow that has fallen. Although UA is a pretty ugly place, the snow makes everything seem so much more prettier. Hopefully later on today, after I've studied, I'll have a snow ball fight with my suitmates, just like the old days :)

I guess this time a year, especially because I'm away from home, I keep thinking about the younger years. You know, the years that were full of innocence and hand games. The days where you worries consisted of minor homework and playing outside with your friends. I can remember one Christmas where my mom bought me and my little brother sleds and we stayed out extremely late just looking around for the biggest hills. It was tons of fun, and I'm glad I got to enjoy myself, but who says you can't do even if you are 18 ! huh :)

Although December/January is supposed to be the greatest months of my life. Holidays and of course my birthday, I think it's going to be the least enjoyable. Veronica leaves now Jan. 3rd so she'll miss my birthday and practically everything else. It's really hard to except things. I know that I haven't but yesterday I was online looking for tickets so I could go visit her during Spring Break. I think that'll be fun. Despite my own opinions about the situation I'm just going to try my hardest to be supportive. I know she needs that the most.

Things are looking up for the most part. I guess it's time to get serious and start studying.

Until next time.....

Oh Boy

You know its December when you wake up in Albany to about 7 inches of snow !

Honestly, I can't believe how time has flown by. Where did November go? Despite the fact, I'm happy December is here. The last month of this crazy year and the season of love, family and friends. Looking back on this year, it's been one full of events. Graduation, College, making new friends, losing old friends, reconneting with friends and enjoying family. I have to say that 2009 was in fact the year that I changed the most. Emotionally, physcially, mentally and all of the above.

Last night I was talking to Kwame on the phone, well talking at him I think he was sleeping (lol) but I've noticed that I've just been really stressed out lately. I know change is inevitable, and we as humans can do nothing to prevent it but I just wish there was somethings that I could prevent. One thing for sure that has been on my mind lately is Veronica. I don't want her to leave. I'm completely in denial about me feelings. Sure I am extremely happy for her, but I just feel like maybe I'm just not as brave as her. To just put things aside and change everything in my life so drastically. Mainly I'm stressed because I know I'm going to miss her so much. Even though she barey hits me up, I feel like she has been the only friend who kept out vow: To always be there, no matter how far the distance may be. Despite our lack of communication at times, I feel like she's the only person other than a selective few who has consistantly been here for me and with her gone I'll have no one. I remember the day I found out she was leaving Feb. 3 my suitmate was talking to me and I was nearly in tears. It's sucks that she's leaving, for me atleast, but I guess its something I have to deal with.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I set my standards to high for people or in general. Like when having friends, who I truely care about I out them on a pedastile. I care about people too much to deserve to be treated like the bottom of the bottom, so I'm just gonna make the changes. I'm just gonna stop caring. I'm going to stop being like Casie and start being someone else, because the way I am no one appreciates.

Jumping to yet another topic, I was talking to an old friend the other day and there's no doubt that we have had our down falls, but I still like they way that I feel like there's something there. We we talking about how someone people just don't change. They never seem to grow up, and to me its sad. It's really a bitter feeling when someone who've been close with for friends is so typical. The person never really changes and your left feeling like there's no one, besides the people your surronded by, that you an relate to.

I completely know how this feels.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

It's been awhile since I've wrote, but I guess I just haven''t had the time to. Things have been really busy at school. Exams, finals and too many papers but I'm happy to be home.

I know it's old and people say it every year but I am really thankful for the things I have. It's terrible that I don't have this feeling everyday. That I don't appreciate it more, but I guess everyone comes to a realization. This thanksgiving nothing changed in my household. The same arguements, the same jokes, the same parents and siblings. Some for the good and some for the bad. But the one thing that hasn't changed is the love that I have for them. I missed my Mom so much. I couldn't wait to get back just to see her and talk. That was my main drive for coming home a day early. My friends, with out a doubt, I missed too.

Yesterday a couple of us went to the city in this Black Friday madness. It was a ton of fun. Rando, Kwame, Mikey, Cherease, and even Phillip ! It was honestly a great day/night shopping around, eating at Dallas BBQ's and going to the movies. As much as things have changed with everyone away at college or just not in the same place it felt good that nothing changed about the way we feel toward each other. I know I sound like I'm talking about a "relationship", but I don't think people understand how I feel. When I befriend someone there not just someone who lends a hand or crying shoulder. They are always engraved in my heart no matter how old we get, how far a apart we become or how long we go with out seeing each other. I went home last night feeling as if I had made friends for a lifetime and I'm greatful that we stay in touch.

So I go back to Albany tomorrow, which I'm not really looking forward to. But I'm not sad at all because I'll be back sooner than I know it. :)

[__________]

I am eroiding in my own terrible thoughts.

blah

So it's 8:05 in the am, and I'm up extra early for no reason. I'm in a great mood proably because how my night ended last night. I'm sorry to say this, but my suite is the BEST, there's no if, and's or but's to it.

Last night we threw a little party fro Chanti. At first, the other night they sang Happy Birthday to her at 12pm and gave her these crappy vanilla/chocolate cookies with candles in them. Even though she was happy, we knew she was dissappointed, probably, but it was all a part of the plan. So last night, Jacques and I went to Walmart and bought her a delicious vanilla bean cake that was great. The surprise was really good and we could tell that she was really happy. Idk what it is, but it makes me even happier to see people happy. Sometimes I'd rather be upset or mad, then to see someone that way. So the night went really well with lap dances of course (haha), the boys from upstairs came down and we had a good time. We also made friends with out neighbors on the otherside of the hall. They look like Hollister models, well one of them. lol

Now I'm just in my bed, going to get ready for classes in a few. Thankfully I only have one class today at 10:15. Lately there is nothing I can think about except for going home for thanksgiving. It's terrible because I keep slacking as the time quickly goes by. I really can't wait to see everyone, to be back in the city, to get a taste of real life again. I've been yearning to get away from Albany, atleast for just a little bit. I have a feeling that when I go home, I'm not gonna want to come back. I miss everyone and everything in the city.

So Long

Maybe it's a phase Joandry says, but he's wrong. It's not a phase. It's not a feeling just for the moment. I hate it here. I hate the people, I hate the surrondings, I hate everything about this place. For the past 3 months I've lied to myself, trying to come to an agreement, but I can no longer. I can't sit here and pretend like I'm happy because I'm the furthest away from that feeling.

I can't withstand the hypocritical people, with their high paid positions who are full of crap. I can't stand the feeling of feeling completely and utterly like nothing. I can't stand a counselor who sits on her ass and does absolutely nothing for me or for her students. So, I have to go, I have to.

I'm finally happy to announce that the Spring symester will be my last at SUNY Albany. I can't wait to say good riddens to a hell-hole that they call an instituiton of higher learning. I don't know where I'm transfering to, but I know anything will be better than here. It's sad that its come to this already.

Work, Work, and more Work

It's been a great weekened for me. I finally went out, had to relieve some of this college stress, that by the way hasn't really gone away.

Me and my girls went to Ballingers which is this spanish club. The top floor plays latin music and the bottom plays hip-hop, r&b, you know the usual. It would've been better if there were more people there. It was pretty emptying considering how packed it usually is, but I had fun. Too much bachata though lol There were madd old people there too. It was really cute seeing this old Latin couple dancing together. I hope, in the end, I'm some what like that when I'm older. Down stairs (at times) was poppin'. There was this old man who looked he was in his late 30's getting it in ! He had grey hair, a beer belly but didn't mind shaking that ass. lmao I'm telling you it was beyond halarious. He did moves I never even saw females do ! Completely crazy.

Saturday we had a surprise party for Argentina. It was great because she really didn't expect it, but of course the surprise was kind of ruined by the loud people who couldn't shut up, but it was nice. The night consisted of lap dances, people hitting there heads on chairs, dancing, and acting crazy. We also celebrated Leiry becomming a citizen ! The jokes were endless and we definitely sang the Pledge of Alligence haha. Overall a great night that ending with my suitmates and I cleaning, and enjoying some I love New York Pizza (best pizza in Albany) and Honey BBQ wings. It was nice to finally sit on our rug and just talk amongst ourselves with out the boys coming in every two seconds.

So it's Sunday and I have tons of studying to do. I have an exam in my American Politics class on Tuesday, a paper due on Wednesday, and 2 upcomming important papers for my Africana Studies class and the final paper for my American Politics class on Health Care. There's just too much to do !

The other day I was seeing what classes I wanted to take for next symester. The worse thing about being a Freshman is that we get the last of the last. I hope I get the classes I want though. I wanna take Life in The Third World, Intro to Feminism, The Holocaust in History and Exploration of Space. I just hope there's a spot left for me by the time my registration date comes!

So I've also decided to major in African Studies and minor in Woman's Studies. Let's see how that goes.

cambiar

A lot of things have been changing at the speed of light for me. This week has been probably the most stressful with all the upcomming papers, midterms and exams. It just seems as if there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I guess that's because of my terrible time managing skills, but it's a lesson we all learn from.

This week I lost me keys, got locked out my suite, was stranded for a couple hours, couldn't go to class, missed a class, lost my ID card and a bunch more unpleasant things. I really need to stop stressing so much because I keep losing shyt. Now that I've found/replaced everything I can laugh at it, but it was something to before.

I guess this week, with a new month here I noticed a lot more things about myself. I think because I'm so used to not getting things I want, or would want I kind of just throw the dream away. I give in to others so easily because I pretty much know the outcome. I'm done putting up a fight, even for things or someone I once thought I'd want forever. Speaking of which, I am single not ready to mingle but single. I don't know what so say about my relationship with Kwame but for me it's just not working out right now. Sometimes I regret the break up, sometimes I don't but as someone told me before sometimes you have to do things for yourself even if it hurts someone else. I know he's a great guy, and if things don't work out someone else will be happy to have him. I was and still am.

Despite my terrible day yesterday, I got an A- on my English paper which everyone who has Dr.Dunlop knows it's a huge accomplishment. She rarely ever gives A-'s let alone A's and it makes me feel good because I've been struggling so much in her class. I'm not the greatest creative writer, actually I prefer not to, but I've really been trying and I guess the work is paying off.

This weekend is Argentina's (my suitmates) Birthday. We throwing her a surprise party, and she thinks were doing anything for her. hahah It's going to be great. My roomate Leiry is becomming a citizen today. We're definitely gettin her an I am Sam hat, and buy mad American food. I'm really happy for her. :)

til next time....

Is It?

Is it possible to make a decision with out feeling guilty?
without feeling like your hurting someone else's feelings?
Is it possible to make a decision based on yourself,
without seeming selfish or unfair?
Is it possible to do something different, something drastic, something that's not expected
without it being wrong?

If you, or anyone can answer these questions it would be greatly appreciated, because to me it seems impossible.

Title

Lately my life has been just like my blogs. Empty, meaningless and unfinished.
I don't know where to start, where to begin I just have no clue where I'm going.

I'm tired of people expecting so much of me. People not treasuring the time they have with me and most importantly people thinking they know me. Like everyone, I am a complex being and although we are similar the things that go on through my head are completely unknown and unthought by you.

I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't like it here and I'm ready to give up. It's impossible to be someone when theres so many interruptions and absolutely not enough time.

I am no longer hopeful, I don't dream because for me that's not reality. Tomorrow will never be promised, and today isn't either.

L O S T

I started writing this blog on Sunday, but I guess I forgot to press the publish button before I ran out. lol
I'll just try and recap and start over ughhhh.
Saturday night was fun. I just chilled with my suitmate Chanti and some guys that we know that live in Eastman. It was fun to be back in the social scene. I admit that most of the time I just stay to myself and don't really talk to people other than those that I know already. The guys were really cool and we all just talked, had tickle wars (yes I know gay) and created tattoos lol. It's a shame to say we're in college. haha

To be honest this weekend was actually really lame. I didn't go out, mostly because of the rain and because of my suitmates. Friday they celebrated Tracy's birthday and like with everything I was left out. It seems like the plan things around my schedule purposely but I'm not going to be a sour person. Honestly, I was mad. I had to work from 3-7 and I asked Aisha if she could start the party later, but she insisted that they wouldn't have enough time to get ready if she did. When I walked in, it was this huge party and I just proceeded back to my room because I really didn't want to be around them. It was messed up, and I would never do that to anyone but maybe, like I said before, I'm just too nice. So they went out that night, and I stayed in with Chanti. She's not 18 yet and we look nothing alike to she didn't want to take my id.

Today's Monday and I am really exhaugsted. I'm at work doing nothing like always and I'm really tired. My group is supposed to be coming here at 8 so we can work on our presentation, but they're most likely going to be late. Today was an okay day for me. My two classes went by rather quickly and I had pretty much nothing to complain about. I handed in a paper that I didn't feel too great about but my English professor expects too much anyway. She's actually really funny and entertaining in class with her immature reactions and attitude. I don't know why I signed up for her class, but we all make mistakes.

Tomorrow I have so much to do. I have class, a presentation and a meeting with my Afro-American Lit professor. He's most likely going to forget that he asked me to come but I'm used to his lack of memory. I also have a paper to write for my American Politics Discussion class but they're always relatively easy. I can tell already that this is going to be one hell of a stressful week. I have a headache just thinking about it.

Thankfully Kwame is coming on Friday :). That's pretty much the only thing that keeping me going. Today definitely felt like Wednesday but I only wish.

I'm feeling really blah lately, idk why. I'm just not myself anymore. Sometimes I wish I was home, but then I'm reminded of why I don't want to be there.

I'm just a lost and confused person.

Impossible

I'm at what UA calls "work" right now. Honestly, this is the first and probably last time in my life that I'll complain about having job that consists of doing nothing. Sure, everyone thinks aneasy job is the best thing that could happen, but when it's a job where there's no excitement, sometimes no people and absolutely no fun I'll take a job that's hard working anyday.

Sometimes sitting in the empty spacious room my thoughts just linger around. I think about everything; good and bad. Maybe it is beneficial to have a set time where you just think, but for me it sort of leads to depression. Idk everytime I leave work, I feel sort of down. I hate being alone to begin with so being here makes matters even worse. Sometimes I hope someone comes into the Penthouse just so I wouldn't have to be lost in my thoughts or sulking. I hope that someone comes in and gives me something to do. but w/e

This week has been pretty stressful dealing with my English professor and my suitmates. Thursday my suitemates decided to buy a rug that I thought wasn't worth 60 bucks. It's ugly, doesn't cover enough space and is hard to match things with. I personally don't really care but I don't like paying for things that I don't like or that I'm never going to use. They keep saying that the rug is for us to "bond" on and honestly I think that's bull shit. The rug is for all their friends who get drunk and need somewhere to crash so they don't get caught staggering back to their rooms. Why am I paying for someone else's enjoyment, is what I don't completely understand. To be honest, I don't really like some of my suitmates on a friend level. Sure I live with them and I respect them but I never call them my friend. I guess I'm just so used to the group of people I hung out with back at home.

We never needed drugs or alcohol or anything to make us have fun besides ourselves and place. I personally can't stand when people get pissy drunk to have fun. To me that's just proves that your one hell of a boring person. I hate that they do the same crap every single weekend. Yeah, we're in college and this is the time to go clubbing and partying but don't you like doing other things? Don't you like going to comedy clubs and seeing what else is out there? I have yet to find a group of people, let alone even a person who is close to being like me. Everyone here in UA from what I've met, seems to be these stereotypical freshmans and I can't stand it. I don't mean to be the anti-social person in my suite, but its just not me to drink or go to clubs every single weekend.

I know I just went home last weekend, but I'm feeling like I need a break again. Just an opportunity to break away from this repetitive life. I wanna go back home and chill with Veronica and Rando and everyone else and not have to worry about people thinking I'm a "party pooper" just because I don't smoke or I don't wanna get drunk. I wanna be around people that a real and not like the fake ass people that I'm surrounded by.  Is that so hard to ask for?

Finding that seems pretty much impossible.

All Over the Place

So I'm sitting on my bed with my regular morning routine. Tea and a bagel lol It's all you can find on State Quad at about 11 so shhh.

Today so far has been a pretty good day. I've already had two classes and two more to go. I'm kinda bummed that I didn't do as well as I thought on my American Politics Mid-term but w/e. There's always an extra credit assignment or something.

I noticed yesterday that I have soo many things to do in these next two weeks. Assignments, events, meetings, presentations. It's all pilling up. Honestly I have no motivation to start on them early which brings me to another conversation.

Yesterday, my sutimates and I were talking about Albany and the things we like and dislike about it. One thing that we all agreed on was that we don't feel motivated to do things on an academic level. Besides your own motivation of course to get that 4.0, nothing else motivates us. Honestly, I don't particularilly like it here but its not about my biased that I'm talking about this. For me, things aren't the way they're supposed to be. Perfect example : Everyone has a counselor that they go to. Your counselor is supposed to be there for anything right? Why is it that I have the worst counselor in the world that uses her office ours for pleasure and gossip rather than focusing on me or her students? Another example: Here at Albany everyone knows that were known as a party school, but everyone, that is high officials of course, always say that there are always things to do on campus besides partying on weekends. BULL SHIT. There are absolutely no programs or anything that would interest students besides the regular club scene. And I know what your probably thinking."this is just Casie complaining again", but this is something to complain about.

Besides complaining a lot, one thing that I noticed about myself, due to someone who is mostly always right about me, is that although I am "mean" with my jokes, I do anything for people who sometimes don't deserve it. I definitely need to change that. Why do things for people when they ultimately don't appreciate it.

So if you guys look about 2 post ago, I asked a question but thankfully I found out the answer for myself.
Honestly. I'm just gonna shrug off the situation, walk away and pretend it never happened. Maybe not giving something so much attention will actually benefit me this time. (My new method)

Tick Tock

It's Monday. Classes, work and hangovers of course.

For the most part I had a pretty good weekend, despite the rain. On Friday I went home and spent basically the whole day with Kwame. We chilled in the city, went shopping and ate at the Tick Tock :). I thought it would be warmer in the city but it was still freezing. Saturday I also chilled with Kwame in central park. We were hoping that Vero would come but she was in Long Island with her parents and by the time she would've gotten back it would've been too late. So we went to his house, ate dinner and watched a movie. It was honestly really nice to just relax and chill. Just walk around with our corny jokes and not have to really worry about anything. Sunday Vero, Franchesca and myself were suposed to go to the Breast Cancer Walk but it was raining really hard so we ended up not going. I just stayed home, ate as much food as possible and went shopping with my dad. I finally got my microwave ! :) So overall it was a good weekend.

I really didn't feel like getting up today. I just want to be a bed bum, but I luckily have a roommate that keeps me in check. Right now she's actually yelling at me to do my english hw. lol You have to love her.

This week shouldn't be that busy. Sunday's Tracy's birthday (one of my suitmates) so were gonna throw her a party on Friday. I wonder how that's gonna go. lol

So I'm gone, off to do my English reading.... until next time of course.

Regrets

It's been a good day for me, for the most part. My classes were cancelled so I got the chance to stay in and get things done. I did all my homework, actually studied, accomplished my laundry and cleaned my room. Yes, I deserve a huge cookie.

Today we had a meeting with our Quad RA because my suite was written up for a noise complaint. To my surprise she was actually really cool. Her name is Nikki and she's a very laid back, but aggressive women. After the meeting, I've learned to respect her even more than I have before, but to be honest I'm pissed. Because our suite was written up, we all have to do 5 hours of community service with the custodial staff in the morning along with attending 10 workshops. Seriously? All this for a damn noise complaint? I could understand if we were drinking alcohol, smoking or doing something that was completely wrong, but for being above a noise level at someone elses discretion? I can't believe this. If I wanted to be treated like a child, and be given unreasonable punishments I would've went to bootcamp. SUNY Albany doesn't fail to surprise me anyday.

After the meeting, my day just went by pretty quickly. I cleaned, did my homework and pretty much everything I said earlier. It was nice to just stay in and not have to be in this crazy weather. I heard it's supposed to snow tomorrow. I can't believe it's only October and were already expected snow. I need to go get an eskimo coat because I defintely don't want to get sick and it's already freezing.

Tomorrow I'm finally heading back home. The highlight of my weekend will most likely be eating ! I absolutely cannot wait! I'll finally be able to see Veronica and hopefully Rando. Hopefully it'll be a great weekend.

On a side note: Have you ever felt dissappointed in an outcome, only because the reaction from someone wasn't what you expected? and because of it, it probably made you regret even taking the big step?

Let me know what you think :)

Wear Sun Screen

I'm sitting here on my bed, as I should be reading for my discussion meeting in about 2 hours but I don't really feel like it. I feel like I've just had a sudden change on the outlook on life.

So I was just on fb and for the entire weekend I've seen the quote "Be the change in which you want to see" everywhere. When I go to eat, as I was downtown, when I was at a workshop; everywhere. When I see this quote I automatically think of the wonderful Kye Weaver. Kye is just unexplainable. He is just so much that there are no words to fully describe. Anyway, because I kept seeing this quote I decided to get incontact with him, and to surprise it benefited me.

Lately I've been so concerned about my future and what I want to be life. I feel lost and uncertain about so many things and I ask "Can I get a sign, atleast". Something that shows me which path to take? So like always Kye has a quote for EVERYTHING. I think if you dropped a cup of milk on your shoe he could come up with a quote that would make sense and relate to your wet shoe. Kye says to me "wear sun screen", and of course I'm thinking ooh gosh here he goes again but he told me if I wanted to understand the quote I had to watch a video. So I watched it and I feel like a whole different person. It gives some much insight and almost comforts you. It showed me, no I'm not the only person in the world who doesn't know what to do, what to say, how to act but you shouldn't live your life worrying. I think everyone should please, please try and watch this video. Don't judge it at first, it'll make sense to you as go along.

That's all I really wanted to say. I guess I'll go back to my dreadful reading. I hope you watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Stuck

This weekend went pretty well. I didn't do much because I chose to. Friday night I hung out with Brian, Schawn, Joe, Stef and Josh because it was Josh's Birthday. Being in a room full of horny drunks was definitely not enjoyable but very entertaining lol. Saturday was the Homecomming game. We won 55-10 ! Definitely was a blow out. I ended up not going to Sneeky's. Partying isn't that important to me anymore. I hate going places where I know everyone and their mom is gonna be there. Yesterday I just chilled for the most part, went to the S.I.K meeting and finally had a dinner that was worth the meal swipe ! The baked ziti was, hands down, amazing ! I had some cheescake to go with that and I was probably the happiest person on campus lol

Today has been pretty dull. I had a Math midterm and a paper due for English. In my English class we were simply stating our opinions on the story we read. This girl tried to come at my head as she spoke. I thought it was pretty entertaining for someone who didn't write the paper, or actually read the story to even come at me like that. But hey, you can't live without haters, right?

Lately I feel so nostalgic and just numb. To be honest I'm starting not to care about things at all. It's like everytime I try to say something, no one understands me. I'm always being though of as being wrong or as if the things I've said before or felt doesn't mean anything. I'm tired of being afraid of change, or making a big change that may in the end benefit me. How would you ever know unless you tried? I just don't want anyone to look at me differently or think that I'm not the person that they once knew. I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON reguardless. But w/e people will never understand, even if they tried.

" Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness,appreciating memories and of course, learning from the past"

I think I'm going to live up to this quote, for now on.

Shot out Eric, who actually reads my blog. Thanks for the comment.

I Swiped, Did You?

I didn't really feel like going to Math class this morning so I just stayed in bed. I stayed too late last night anyway to even think about getting up at 8.

As I tried to publicize, last night was the "Meal Swipes for the Homeless" that S.I.K presented. Honestly, I had to really stop myself from crying because the amount of care and just over all appreciation I have for everyone who donated was so touching. It is so beautiful to see people give and donate for people who don't have much of anything. I feel honored and greatful to be a part of an amzing group. Although I'm happy of the amount of people who participated, the one person who really deserves a round of applause is Brad. Brad isn't on the E-Board, nor is he apart of SA, he's just an ordinary freshman who wants to do good things with his life. Brad dressed up like a homeless person for us just so people could really get the message.

I was talking to him through the entire program and he told me he really felt like he was homeless. Some people would just walk by and stare. They didn't ask what the program was about or when they were approached they said they didn't want to donate. He told me that is was a realization for him. He finally sees what homeless people actually go through. I think that's something that everyone should experience atleast once.

Are You With Me?

For the most part I'm in a really good mood. I'm done for the day so I'm just chilaxin' in my room listening to music :)

I got my tests back yesterday from my classes. I got an A- (94) on my Afro-American Lit test and an A- on my American Politics Discussion Paper. I'm pretty happy with the results, although I think I deserved an A lol My Afro- American Professor is so grimmey ! He gave us computer paper to write out essays on and then took points off if your margins were straight. That's like almost impossible to do with no ruler and on paper with no lines but w/e. I found that pretty funny. Today I took an exam in American Politics. I think I did really well.

Last night/ this morning I was having one of the most amazing conversations with some of my suit mates, Jacques and these two other guys that came to visit that we know from the summer. We were talking about things that people don't even really think about, especially religion. I'm not really religious myself, so hearing him speak about it and tell us stories about his father in D.R. made me actually believen it more. He's a very intellectual guy, and I hope everyone gets to meet him. What ruined the moment was when our RD knocked on the door and claimed we were being too loud. Mind you, we weren't even being loud compared to night before. I honestly think that they get bored and just look to pick at the littest things but w/e. All I know is, I'm not paying for college for someone to tell me when to go to sleep. They say you become an adult when you go to college. Your on your own, no ones there to tell you what to do, but I find that completely exaggerated.

So this weekend is finally Homecomming ! GREAT DANES ALL THE WAY ! :)
I have no clue what I'm gonna do. My little brother wants to come visit, but I feel bad about blowing him off. Jacques trying to get me to go to Sneeky Petes (ha) we'll see how that goes. I'm definitely gonna go to the game on Saturday though.

I really want Veronica to come visit :(

That Was A Wet One

So today was such a lame day. It's weird that I'm complaining about not having classes today (lol). Work was a bore, as always. Jacques was been a jerk and wouldn't stay and keep me company but w/e.

Today I realized that the song that says and shows the way I've been feeling is "There's Gotta Be More to Life" by Stacie Orrico. Listen to it. It's old but pretty amazing.

Now I'm talking to my best friend in the whole wide world on the phone (veroniqua). I'm actually on the phone with her haha. She has made a blog, not by my force of course so check it out ! Her life as a engaged, hardworking, teen is pretty amazing only because she's Mexican. Lmao I am soo kidding.

Some kid named Steve Saunders just came in my room a let not one but 2 ripp. He's so gross, even Vero heard it.

The rest of the night I'm going to continure talking to Vero, finish my hw and chill. I know it will be fun.

:)

Ello There

Last night was pretty amazing. I went to Casajavi with Jacques, Chanti (my suitmate), Armani and Julius who are Jacques friends. Because Jacques just happens to be someone semi-important in Albany (lol), we got in for free and didn't have stand on that crazy line. In all honestly, the party was not that poppin' but for me, when I see people enjoying themselves it makes me feel like I am. I had fun, and that's all that really matters right? It was nice to get out, dress up and feel good for once. I think me going out last night made me think what I wanna do with my life. I wanna be that impact, that influence, that person that does good. I wanna see children in the worst parts of the world have things that we take for grantage. I don't wanna make change, I wanna be change in the sense that I am inevitable. Nothing can stop my drive or my dedication. This is with out a doubt, what I wanna do. Now the hardest part is, what the hell to major in?

I'm still a little angry that my mom's birthday present has still not been delivered. Never again will I order online!

Today we had a S.I.K meeting. We talked about our upcomming events, especially the Gospel Hip-Hop Fusion event. If all goes well with our dancers and performers, I think it'll be an amazing thing to attend. I hope everything goes according to plan. I really don't wanna have to cancel. We'll see how everything goes later.

Oh I forgot. I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO LONDON for study abroad. I am so excited! I really really can't wait.

Pero Like You Know.

So last night was fun. I stayed in and chilled with my suitmmates, called a few friends over and watched some scary ass movie. My friend Joe a bottle of Jose Cuvo and ppl were done ! My suitmmate Chanti has to be the cuttest drunk in the world ! lol I wish you could've seen it.

Today has been a chill day for me. Mainly I've just lounged around and went to walmart for a couple of things. Tonight is by far gonna be a good night :). I'm going to Casajavi with Jacques and his loser for friends (jk). I think I definitely deserve going out for once. lol

For the rest of the day I'm probably just going to procrastinate about doing my Enlgish hw and chill with Joe. I'll definitely let you know how the night goes. ;)

There's Always Time For New Things

Today my day has gone pretty well. I only had one class which was Math. My Professor gave back out hw and past quizzes and I aced them all. That was a shocker for me myself, but w/e.

Yesterday I had a really long day. I had two meetings one for S.I.K and the other for Phi Beta Sigma. S.I.K is a community service based group that does work shops and also peer education. Yesterday I was announced as the treasurer so I'm super excited about that. Our presentation was called "Homies and The Homeless". Participating in it I actually learned a lot of things. Living in the city, there is a stereotype that all homeless people usually ride the trains, smell, and are usually crazy but anyone can be homeless, maybe even a friend that you know of. To give back to those that don't have, on thursday we're hosting "Meal Swips for The Homeless". All the food that we collect will be given to a near by shelter.
I think it'll be a great success.

Phi Sigma Beta is obviously a sorority. I'm not joing, but being a part of S.I.K we give back to our fellow groups and what not. Their program was called "How To Treat a Lady" and it was really really entertaining. There was a panel of guys and a huge group of ladies in the crowd. Everyone filled out an index card where they basically asked questions that the guys had to answer. Most of the question were based on sex, and just basically talking to females and what not. The answers, I have to admit, were halarious but they showed how reguardless of the fact there are double standards. Personally I feel like if every female were to set them selves to basically the same high standards, there would be no room for a player or someone who "spits game". Every guy would have to treat females the same and respectful way. But obviously this is impossible. Some girls make it easier for males because they don't set their standards high but there's also other things to think about. One thing that I probably will never forget is that the guys said that the amount of sexual partners a girl has depends if their gonna talk to them because that increases their chances of having an STD or HIV/AIDS. They definitely failed to recognize that anyone can get either of these by having sex just 1 time and they also didn't think about how girls feel about them having a lot of sexual partners. It's the same exacat thing.

So today I got a call from this modeling agency. I'm actually thinking about going along with it. I've been wanting to do this for a while but I've never had the courage to actually pull through. I have a meeting with them next weekend in Manhattan. I'm actually pretty excited :)

5 Leaf Clover

Yesterday was another extremely long day for me. 4 classes that went by slower than a turtle. I had my first exam in African American Literature and I'm so upset that I got 4 wrong. I really felt like crying. I studied my ass off, just because I know I have a terrible memory and look how things ended up? But I'm definitely not going to dwell on it, there's always an extra credit assignment.

Today, luckily, I have NO classes :) My English is cancelled until next week and I just didn't really feel like going to American Politics. Instead I went to the mall and bought some long sleeve shirts and a pair of sunglasses because it's freezing in Albany. The weather here is completely bipolar. There's no point in watching the news anymore.

Last night was probably the hardest nights for me. I guess crying myself to sleep seems like a new method. One of my roommates always says that "humans will always dissappoint you, no matter what" and I think I went above and beyond that. To make someone feel so much pain is just inhumane. I never ever want to hear someone cry so much over me; especially when I'mnot worth it. I basically had an ephiphany last night, realizing that I myself need way more changes than some other people. I was ready to let go of something that has only benefited me because of my selfishness. I'm truely sorry and I hope you forgive me. In so many ways I'm lucky to have you.

The rest of the day will probably be pretty laid back. I'm probably just going to study, clean my room and around 7ish I have a S.I.K meeting. I think I deserve to relax a little. This weekend as always there are like 90000000000000000 parties. I'm actually considering going to one. Yes people clap !

[__________________________]

I woke up this morning in a really good mood. I actually got some sleep thanks to Kwame :). He stayed on the phone with me all night, even when I fell asleep. Idk I guess it just makes me feel more comfortable because like I said before I can't sleep if there's no one in my room. (Yes I'm a weirdo). So I decided to change around my layout and just fool around with it. The picture that's above my blog entry is of Albany's skyline. I forgot what day I took it but I thought it was really beautiful. I hope you enjoy it yourself.

Anyways, I was thinking yesterday about how untalented I am. I have some friends who do amazing things ! Playing guitar, creative writing, painting and I on the other hand have no type of talent. Someone asked me "What can you do?" and I simply replied "Talk, write some what, play sports and make people laugh occasionally".To me that just sounds like the average person. I don't want to be average ! I want to be someone who's just incredible. Like they know their calling and their going after it. I'm stuck here in Albany completely lost. I have no idea what I wanna be or what I wanna do with my life. I just want a sign? Maybe even a push? It's just becomming something that's just irritating because I know it affects the rest of my life. Some people say they just want to be successful. To me it's more than that. Life's about doing things that you enjoy doing, that you know your meant to do, not just about how much money you make off of it.

As I sit here completely frustrated with myself I just don't know what to think anymore. I need to find my calling as corny as it may seem.

Yesterday I forgot to add that I watched this video that someone posted on my wall. I am not very religious but it definitely opened my eyes a little to those kind of things. It has an amazing story line, but the ending I didn't really enjoy. If you get the time watch it. It actually has some meaning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piuoGb-Nhfw

Friends and Foes

It's been a while, like always but what can I do?

This weekend was probably the weekend of the wildest parties, but like the person I am I didn't go to not one of them. It's been extremely cold in Albany and definitely not the weather to be out in. It's rained all day today just to add to the depressed kind of state I'm in.

Earlier this week, I ordered my mom's birthday present online. It's really nice what I got her, and I'm sure she'll like it but I'm really upset that I can't go home. This is the first time I've missed her birthday and probably not the last. I hate the fact that I'm going to miss the look on her face when she reads our cards with the funniest sayings or sentimental greetings. Or the way she closes her eyes just before she blows out her candles. It kills me that I'm going to miss it all. This is probably why I've been so down lately but I guess in college your meant to find out things about yourself.

One thing that I've noticed that's extremely crazy is that I tend to not be able to sleep when my roommates not there or I know that she's leaving for the weekend. I'm so used to sharing a room with my sister that I feel uncomfortable when I'm alone. Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I constantly woke up practically every couple of hours. I think this is the reason, but idk.

For the first time in my life, I feel utterly friendless. The friends I had back at home seem to just forget about me despite the things we have gone through. It's amazing to see how one little variable such as a girlfriend changes everything. Even though some people may never agree with me, I am so grateful to have Veronica. like the feelings I have for her are inevitable. I miss her so much and I love her because it seems like she knows exactly when to call or to text me. It's crazy because she's probably going through so many more problems then those others but she still manages to just give me a call sometime.

On a better note, I've met some really cool, interesting people in Albany. Honestly, I feel like I meet "important" people accidentally. Jacques, who's known as "boogie" (don't ask) is really cool. I think he might be a potential bestie. haha

Midnight Bottle

Today has been an okay day so far. I woke up not feeling well so I didn't get to my first class which was American Politics. Attendance is never taken in that class anyway and my professor usually just talks about the things we had to read. As I laid in my bed my phone soon rang and of course it was my Mom. I tried to pretend like I wasn't sick but as they say "Momma knows best". My second class was English, which I went to. I figured it was only going to last about 45 minutes and I needed to get out my room so I went. We talked about plagiarism in debt, which I actually learned something that I didn't know.

Since Wednesday, it has felt like Friday to me. TGTF ! This week went by pretty fast but I'm just getting tired of my classes, probably because there hasn't been a lot of work lately. Tomorrow I only have 1 class, Math, and I'm sure it'll go smoothly. I'm actually looking forward to this weekend.

Earlier in the week I had a debate during my discussion class for my American Politics class that was pretty intense. The debate was about the views of Anti-Federalist and Federalist and how although the Federalist technically won because the Constitution was passed, Anti-Federalist made some important accusations and assumptions that are in fact true. Idk, I just found it really interesting but it was hard playing the devils advocate. I actually loved the debate, mainly because I like to argue lol but it was fun. Unfortunately that was my highlight of the week.

So today is Thursday and UALBANY that means our meal swipes start over. So you know there will be thousands of people in the Campus Center swiping away at Wendy's and all that good stuff. Me included :)

I'll catch up as the weekend progresses.

Refrigerator Wars

Right now I am definitely not in a homework mood so I've decided to blog.
I admit, I have fallen back on the reading in my American Politics class but it is so boring ! I wanna read something interesting, something insight, something intriguing. Not a text book.

Today my day has been pretty good. I made it to class on time, despite sleeping through my alarm clock (haha). Its just for the most part been a pretty relaxing day. I only had two classes today, which both went by pretty quickly. Tomorrow is my long day which I'm definitely dreading.

I have to say that I am actually really infuriated because of my suit mates. I honestly feel extremely disrespected by them and no matter how many conversations I have with them nothing changes. This weekend I went home and when I returned nothing was like the way I left it. For the most part, most of my food and drinks was either half eaten or completely gone. I don't mind sharing my food, which I've told them before, but if you can't contribute or even replace what you've eaten then don't take anything at all. I just don't understand why there is a need to go in my fridge and eat my food and drinks when they have there own. Because my room is not that spacious I have to leave my refrigerator out in our common room. I don't wanna have a lock on it because I want to trust my roommates, but I feel like there's no other option. I just feel completely used and taken advantage of.

Besides the suite wars, life's been dull. There's not much going on besides classes and heavy book bags. I decided not to go back to volleyball. It's just too much of a commitment and plus there's always intramural which is more fun. I'm looking forward to that and starting work. For the year I'm working in State's Penthouse (my quad) which is probably the easiest job on campus. All I do is take id's, give people games and equipment and make sure none of it gets broken. I'm happy that I can actually play Wii with my friends and get paid for it. lol

So this week is already going by slowly, hopefully it'll go a bit faster. :)

Conflicted.

This morning is going great. My first period class was cancelled because my professor
's sick. Now I'm just at my desk, drinking some tea along with this amazing chocolate muffin. Can you say mmmmmm?

I won't spend much time talking about the VMA's last night, but how can you not? Yes Kanye is a jack ass but I didn't expect anything less from him. He is an outspoken person and if he disagrees or dislikes someone or a situation he speaks up. Most people don't agree with his actions last night, myself either. I feel really bad for Taylor Swift and he definitely could have spoken about it later on without completely destroying her moment. A lot of people are saying their going to boycott his music but I think that's a little dramatic. Sure he disrespected her and most people don't agree with what he said but should we forget the time that he "disrespected" President Bush? Many people didn't complain about those words spoken about him because they agreed with it. All I'm saying is he's an outspoken person who just need to tame it down a bit.

The one thing that amazes me the most is how people act immature and want to fight over their beliefs of the situation. To tell me to "come see you" just proves that your obviously an individual that can not express themselves or deal with a debate. My solution : GROW UP !



Besides Kanye's craziness, Lady GAGA is with out a doubt a weirdo. I love her music but her drastic outfit changes were insane. But it's the VMA's, what would you suspect?


So now I'm just sitting back and relaxes until my English class at 12:35. I hope it goes by quickly, which is usually does. I'm still debating over whether or not I should continue the Volleyball tryouts. I feel much better but I still can't jump. What do you think I should do?

Sniffle Sniffle

WOW it's been awhile but I promise to blog more ! Scout's Honor !

So it's been what? Two weeks since I've updated this and surprisingly not much as gone on. Last weekend, like a "looser" I stayed in my dorm and around campus and just chilled. I don't know what it is, but I stilled To make matters worse day 2 of tryouts are tomorrow and I'm not sure if I wanna go. I love playing Volleyball and being competitive but my physical state is not at its best. I wish I had recorded the tryout so everyone could see it. It was seriously really really intense.

Yesterday was my grandma's 80th birthday party ! It was actually a lot of fun thanks to animated Kwame. I think its great to see a legacy who has lived through only God knows. I love my grandma and I had a lot of fun celebrating her birthday with my family.

Right now I am on the Greyhound heading back to UA. I'm actually happy to be going back but skeptical as to what my room looks like. I wonder if people are as rude as I think they are, but I'll know in a few hours.

P.S : I'm not a Scout ;)

There's No Place Like Home

It's been practically a full week that I've been in UA and I have to say that i've learned a lot about people and even more myself. Before going into that let me give you a break down of my classes.

So my prospective major is Political Science and i'm already thinking about changing it. I have American Politics, English, Math, Afro-American Literature and of course Freshman Experience. I love my schedule ! Everyday except Wednesday my classes end at 1:30. Wednesdays the only day that I have more than 2 classes and I end at 5:35, but I always have a break in between classes. My American Politics class seems like a bore. I had to buy two books for 115 and my professors not even going to be using them in lectures. I think its pointless but were still responsible for reading the texts. Theres about around 400 kids in that class. I'm in one of Albany's biggest Lecture Centers but thankfully I sit in the front. If only my professor could be a little more intriging, life would be so much better. On a better note, I love my Afro-American Literature class. Despite the 8 books i had to buy, Professor Slade is pretty amazing. He's funny, engaging and definitely knows how to appeal to our generation. Although I've only had one class thus far I really like him. He's a pretty cool teacher.

Besides Academics, life in Albany is crazy ! Last weekend I went to a house party which ended up being terrible. No I am not a party pooper. If you would've been there you would feel the same. Let's just say some white people are crazy. Most importantly I feel like I've become someone else or maybe the "real" side of me is uncovering. There's been so many opportunities to party, to drink, to potentially do drugs and although I have never been into that, surprisingly I'm starting to feel the peer pressure. It's crazy ! In high school I was the leader, now its completely different. I mean, of course this was expected but not at the levels in which its coming. Some of my friends party everyday, drink everyday, do drugs and it doesnt seem to affect. Some other people will get caught up in the same stuff like that just because everyone else is doing it. I know that I'm doing the right thing, but I don't wanna feel like the "goodie two shoes" you know? I don't wanna seem like the party pooper, but I think the 1st party I went to just threw off my outlook.

It's also a matter of who you trust. Honestly, I wouldn't even consume a sip of alcohol in a place I'm inaware of and around people who might not have your back. If I don't feel safe, forget it. Now I have some upper-classmen friends thanks to Brian, and most of the time I feel safer with them because they know where to go, who not to speak to or what places are gonna be like. Maybe I'm just overly paranoid but w/e.

Earlier this week I conquered my fear of being lost (lol) I was in Downtown Albany by myself because my roommate couldn't come along so I decided to be risky. I asked the bus driver, for directions and she gave me the wrong ones ! So I'm walking dowtown about to panic when I remembered I had GPS on my phone. So I typed in the address, and followed the signs of streets there. Now thoughs of you that are reading this and thinking "Wow, this doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment", it seriously is. There's this stereotype of Albany, that even I had that it was just a pretty place. There's no ghettos, no hood people. Basically Albany does NOT go hard. I was completely surprised ! I was in hood of all hoods. And I did not panic which is a major accomplishment lol

Surprisingly, I don't really miss anyone from home besides Kwame, Midnight ( my dog) and my friends. Not having the opportunity to roam around finding things to do with my crew has made me pretty home sick. I seriously miss going to the city, and doing civilized but fun things. I can't wait to go home next weekend. It's my grandma's 80th Birthday Party and I get to see everyone.

Time is Ticking

So it's 5 days until I head back out to Albany. I'm pretty confused about the way I feel. I love my life here but I just need to get away. I know I'm gonna miss everyone, but if friends are real friends they'll be there when I get back, right? That's the part that I'm unsure of but we'll see as time progress.

My last weekend in NYC actually sucked. I've been home sick for the past two days thanks to someone ;). Thankfully my mom's been home taking care of me. I'm really going to miss her soup and her ability to make me feel better. Yesterday was Rando's birthday. I'm really upset that I couldn't make it, but I have to make it up to him [ I have something in mind]. I doubt that he cares because he knows I love him to death, and he's all in love with Amanda. I'm really happy for him; he deserves it.

So instead of lying on the beach in Virginia with Kwame and his fam I'm stuck within these four white walls and my nose continues to run and I keep coughing. Great isn't it? Tomorrow I'm going out to eat with my Aunt Joan. Hopefully I won't be like this.

Besides dealing with my minor illness (haha, I've come to realize that regardless, YOU CAN NOT FIX EVERYTHING. I've tried too much, fought myself too long and I'm tired. On the bright side I have 136 family members in Albany that I know will be the support system I need. Which doesn't include our amazing EOP staff.

All I have to say is I'm finally ready.

I'm Back !

I'm am so happy to say that I am back in NYC ! Although those 5 weeks in UA were beyond tiresome, I've never been happier to meet a great group of people. I am forever thankful to have an additional 136 people added to my family. I'm not going to go in depth about it, because most of you will not understand the jokes nor the crazy songs we've made. It's something that only Summer '09 EOP students & SA's know about. It's almost like a secret society :).

So as of now I have 19 days left until I go back. Yes, I love it there but a part of me doesnt wanna leave. I'm going to miss everyone so much it's ridiculous, but I'm still excited about the fall ! So for the next 19 days, besides shopping, I'm going to spend as much time as I can with the people I love. I'll try and keep you updated. :)

I'm Back !

I'm am so happy to say that I am back in NYC ! Although those 5 weeks in UA were beyond tiresome, I've never been happier to meet a great group of people. I am forever thankful to have an additional 136 people added to my family. I'm not going to go in depth about it, because most of you will not understand the jokes nor the crazy songs we've made. It's something that only Summer '09 EOP students & SA's know about. It's almost like a secret society :).

So as of now I have 19 days left until I go back. Yes, I love it there but a part of me doesnt wanna leave. I'm going to miss everyone so much it's ridiculous, but I'm still excited about the fall ! So for the next 19 days, besides shopping, I'm going to spend as much time as I can with the people I love. I'll try and keep you updated. :)

Climax

Yesterday and the past few weeks here in Albany, we've recieved so many lectures about being a part of this campus and the EOP program as whole. It wasn't until this morning that I realized that I love these people and our staff. I feel a true sense of unconditional love for the first time and anyone who knows me, knows that I am not good at goodbyes -___-. Friday, I come home to the life that I've always known still my feelings are full of emotions. Yes, I miss my family, my friends and the things we do but at the same time I know I'm going to miss the people here. They are just like me in so many ways and I've never felt more connected to a group of people this way before. Although I'm sad about it, I can't wait until August 27th.

Despite everything else I can honestly say, I'm just happy. I like the way things have gone thus far. Even though some things play out in a way you can never control, you have to learn not to regret them. Sooner or later you'll realize the reason why it happened and you'll get the message that someone wanted you to learn.

Yesterday we had a forum about what it means to be a "woman". I think that every female should have been there. It was amazing !, although someone had to say something inappropriately.

Life is not censored, so why should we be? Speak what's on your mind !

Climax

Yesterday and the past few weeks here in Albany, we've recieved so many lectures about being a part of this campus and the EOP program as whole. It wasn't until this morning that I realized that I love these people and our staff. I feel a true sense of unconditional love for the first time and anyone who knows me, knows that I am not good at goodbyes -___-. Friday, I come home to the life that I've always known still my feelings are full of emotions. Yes, I miss my family, my friends and the things we do but at the same time I know I'm going to miss the people here. They are just like me in so many ways and I've never felt more connected to a group of people this way before. Although I'm sad about it, I can't wait until August 27th.

Despite everything else I can honestly say, I'm just happy. I like the way things have gone thus far. Even though some things play out in a way you can never control, you have to learn not to regret them. Sooner or later you'll realize the reason why it happened and you'll get the message that someone wanted you to learn.

Yesterday we had a forum about what it means to be a "woman". I think that every female should have been there. It was amazing !, although someone had to say something inappropriately.

Life is not censored, so why should we be? Speak what's on your mind !

Happy Days Are Here Again :)

so obviously as you may have noticed, my last entry got messed up. lol I guess that's the true essence of using blog on my phone !

Anywho, my day has been great so far. I got 100 on a math test which is completely unlike me. For once I feel like a college student. The pressure has started and I'm ready. Today I have no seminars or workshops so I might go to the mall or play tennis. Things have become more relaxed now that these 5 weeks are almost done. I have made so many friends, especially my roommates that I love and care about. I do feel like I have a UAlbany family :)

Happily, I am coming home tomorrow for the weekend. Hopely Veronica can stop being a Mexican and chill with us for once ! I don't care what anyone says Rando is the best and I treasure his friendship. I don't know any other person that texts me in the morning (besides Kwame) just to say Hi or have a good day. I love my Randushi ! Kwame's also amazing. 4 months yesterday and surely more to come ! I love my boyfriend :)

So I'm just anticipating this weekend and the few weeks to come. I'll keep you posted :)

Numb

It always seems that I need to catch up on things. Events, Times, just everything.

Last weekend I went home to take a break. I really needed to just have part of my old life back. I enjoyed seeing my boyfriend, hanging out with the crew (Randushi, Maria, Mike), and seeing my family. I cant wait to go home this weekend.

You know the feeling of when you know your right, but in the end your not satisfied with being so? I feel that right now. I'm sad at the way things have played out the last couple of months. I'm sad that so many things have happened mainly because of situations that I could've handled different. As of now, I feel non-important. I dont feel like I'm asset to anyone's life except a selective few. I really hate these feelings and I just want them to vanish, but in reality things dont happen this way.

Yesterday, I was 2 seconds away from quiting the EOP program. Somethings have just pushed me to my limits and have caused me to just not want to be a part of this "family". I'm tired of this place but I know if I leave I'll never forgive myself. I'm probably dehydrated from all the tears that fell. If it weren't for the consequences I'd b

Proud To Be, EOP

It has been A LONG time since I've wrote in my blog. I'm sorry but EOP has been more than I've expected.

In every program or "structured program" I should say there are always rules one has to abid by. In Albany, being in the EOP program is close to being in jail. We have 3 classes everyday for an hour, which isnt bad at all. I love my professor's and the daily study hours and papers is only going to help me in the future. The only main problem is with the SA's. These Student Assistants as they're called give us hell. Most of them are only sophomore's and feel because they have "authority" they are better than us. Only a few of them are absolutely rude and disrespectful but a couple have their flaws. As a student, the SA's can write you up for practically anything. One girl got written up for yawning in class, another for continuing to walk when the couselor claim to have said she called her when she didnt know her name, the reasons get even more ridiculous.

Despite the complains I am proud to be EOP. Yes, you other "regular" college student may look down upon us but we actually are smart. At the University at Albany more EOP students graduate at the top of their class than regular students. I think its because they prepare us so much. I've been here for a week and I know every building, where the different complexing are and where to go in case I need help. Being in the EOP program means they pay for your Graduate, Masters or PHD Degree which makes me extremly happy. To know that I don't have to take out crazy loans makes me happy.

Yesterday we visited the capital building in which we went into the Assembly Room, Senators Room and the Governors Press room. When your actually in Albany you learn a lot about our government and the things going on. Did you know that currently in the Senate we do not have a Leuitenant, which is why none of the economic bills are being passed? The Leuitenants job is to make the final decision when there is a tie in the votes. As of now we have 31 Republicans and 31 Democrats so nothing can get done. Governor Patterson used to be the Leuitnant but since he ha snow taken office as our governor of NY he can no longer be the Leuitenant. Technically speaking we can not have a new one until the election in 2010, but Pattersons working on appointing someone, which may be unconstitutional. I know I sound like a nerd, but look at the things you learn. :)

I have only been in Albany for a week, and I am home sick. I miss my friends, my mom but most of all my boyfriend. Being away is harder than I expected, especially with a busy schedule like mine. I can't wait to come home next friday ! I can't wait to see everyone.

Real Eyes Realize

I could sit here and right a full entry about all the negative things that are happening, but I am not. There too many good things that mean more than that. Everyone focuses on the negative probably because its easier to remember the bad, but shouldn't happy moments be those that come to mind first?

Yesterday was the first time in a while in which I just felt good. I spent the entire day with my boyfriend and just hung out. I know I sound like a broken record but he's really amazing. He is with out a doubt the perfect match for me besides he's unneccessary bursts of energy (lol).

I'm happy to say that I am already meeting friends in UAlbany. Her name is Claritza and she has one of the greatest personalities ever! Despite the fact she's a giant, I've only really talked to her a hand full of times but she's just soo cool. Yesterday I couldn't stop laughing talking to her. We vibe off each other which is cool. I think we're going to have a great time in Albany together.

This week I've realized the meaning of friends. The one person that has been on my mind is Rando. Although I am not religious or anything, he is the only person I know that can be considered an angel. I really don't know where this kid comes from ! He has the biggest heart anyone can have and I'm going to miss him so much. It's a shame that we never spoke until this year but I've seen him undergo so much pain, but yet he is still as strong as can be. I wish I had the strength he pursues. He is honestly amazing and anyone should be greatful for his friendship. I really love this guy and I'm sure we will stay friends.

(Insert Title Here: )

WOW. If my blog we're a baby it would be dead by now. I've neglected it too much probably because everything that's going on. I don't even know where to start.

For one HIGH SCHOOL is over. Senior Picnic was amazing despite its down sides but overall I had so much fun (like always). Graduation was entertaining, thanks to those who have a sense of humor that is beyond funny. It wasn't until those laughs that I released how much I'm going to miss RFK. I left with kind of a negative attitude due to some events but I've realized that I would never choose another place to spend my high school years. The friends that I've made that are still here today can never be replaced. The experiences that I've undergone have ultimately made me who I am and as corny as it seems, it's because of RFK. I will truely miss everyone and I hope that we keep in touch.

Now for the sad part, unfortunately this is my last week in NYC for a month. My summer is more than cut in half and I'm sadden at the fact that I'll miss everything. I'll miss the daily visits to the beach, I'll miss Ergin and Arsen always fighting over which country is better (Russia or Albania), I'll miss Rando's sweet gestures and real ways of life, I'll miss Vero's moments, her laugh and even more her being an amazing friend, I'll miss Ergin's disgusting conversations of "hot blonde girls" (or maybe I won't ), but most of all I'll miss my Mom and my boyfriend. I don't know how I'm going to last a month with out you. Kwame I'm going to miss everything about you. All the laughs we have. You are amazing and I wouldn't trade you for anything. :( I just want to have as much fun this week with everyone I love and care about.

In life there are always changes one can not avoid. I for one always avoid change because the meaning of it may be unknown. But today I am proud of myself because I am making my own changes. I myself have learned to not put up with things. There are too many people in the world out there that may be even more amazing that I can relate to and share a friendship. For that reason I have decided to let go of a friendship that is obviously becoming something no one expected it would be. It is unbelievable how people change with one variable to there life. How people become someone else and act extremely selfish to world and the people they know in it. Although I am sadden by this I feel it is the best because no one is supposed to live a repetetive life (isn't that why we learn history?). I am extremly proud of myself for making such a change because if you know me well enough you know that I do not like it at all. For once I am taking a risk which seems like a great choice. No one is replaceable and the experiences I have undergone can never be erased but there are some people that just don't belong and in the future we will see the outcome. All I can say is that I believe I've been an okay friend. All I can do is try, but when one doesn't receive the same in return its obviously a sign.

So I am done. I don't want to write about this anymore, consider it a goodbye.

You Win Some... You Lose Some

It's been awhile since I've written. There has been too many things going on, but I finally have some time to.
There's a lot to update you about so I'll just start now.

Last week was prom. It seems like forever. Fortunately it was more than what I expected. I had an amazing time and I know I would've regret it if I hadn't gone. Despite our laughs, tears and yawns it was an amazing night which went too fast. I still have not recovered yet lol

Last Sunday I went out to eat with my second family. Kwame's mom is honestly too nice to me. I'm, glad I don't have to worrying about her disliking me. We went to City Island and had a great time. There was wayy too much food but it was delicous. Tuesday I went to go take care of Kwame because he was sick. He is even more stubborn when he's sick but we had fun. It's been great to spend time with my boyfriend other than one day a week. Thursday we went to see an Alvin and Ailey performance which was magical. I respect all dancers and the amount of strength and passion they put into their performances. It was honestly an amazing show.

Yesterday my friends and I went to see Pelom 123. Denzel Washington has always been an amazing actor. This is a must see and I'm glad I saw it.

The main reason I haven't written in my blog is because I don't really want to hurt peoples feelings by the things I wanna say, but honestly I don't care anymore. I hate to end this entry on a bad note but some things have to be said or they'll drive you crazy. For one I have decided that its time to cut people off. I'm tired of the repetition of how a selective people or maybe just one person. Sometimes the closets people to you can become the furthest with the change of one variable. I'm tired of the same people making excuses as to why we don't hang out or why we don't see each other when the real reason is their priorities don't include me. I wish people could be as real as me and just say how they feel. Just eliminate all the bull shit and just say it. I don't want to her lame ass excuses anymore. I've excepted them for far too long. I'd rather people just tell me the truth.

As the days begin to dwindle and my time here shortens, I'm starting to see the people who really care. I finally see what real friendship is and who values me the most. Thank you to those who have proven to me who care. Thoughs who haven't and who this entry is about your world will sooner or later shake up. Remember nothings stays perfect forever.

Gelato Anyone?

Looking back besides my complaints and feelings I've had an okay weekend. I say this because I'm sure that someone else probably experienced something worse than I did. So I'm grateful for the good things that have occurred.

Yesterday I finally saw In The Heights which was an amazing play. It was exciting, intriging and most of all fun. I definitely bought the soundtrack so I will definitely over play these songs :) After the play, my Aunt and I went to an Italian restaurant. The owner of the place reminded me so much of my friend Ergin. I guess most Albanians have an outgoing personality. He was really funny but a little bit too talkative.

After that I went home and decided to go to my sisters house. Yes for those of you who don't know I have a younger half sister. It's a long story, but family's family right? I wanna try and hang out with her before I leave. I feel proud to be setting a good example for her, as corny as it may seem. Besides that we just had a lot of funny.

That's my weekend for the most part. I have to say I am so HAPPY my boyfriend's coming home today. It's been a long 4 days being unable to talk that much. I miss him so much :(

4 days until prom, excited?

Irreplacable?

Today I woke up in a really crappy mood which impacted most of the day I spent in school. I think it's because I haven't really talked to my boyfriend for the past two days. I've talked to him every single day since I've met him so I'm not used to this at all. I'm probably still in a crappy mood because there's so many things I want to say that I can not. That's where Kwame or Veronica comes into play in my life. Kwame and Veronica are my diaries who are both ironically on a trip or in another country. They keep my life balanced because the offer something that many people do not : advice. They listen to me and understand where I am coming from. Because they are both gone and I can't really talk to them I feel so lonely.

Moving on, today in school was extremely boring. Almost every senior was in the media room doing their Gildea project. Since I am such an awesome person/friend I completed mine the night before but stayed in school later to help some friends with theirs, which ended up pissing me off but I'm not going to get into that. After that I left school alone, got something to eat then headed home to go to the city with my Mom. I never really hang out with my Mom so it was a relatively good day. I don't think my Mom realizes how much I love her. I'm going to miss her so much when I leave for college but I'll save the tears and sorrows until then.

Speaking of college, I can't help but feel like I've already left. People including family, friends and even my dog. I feel left out of things which makes me feel worst because wouldn't you try and spend the most time you could with a person if you knew they were leaving in almost a month? I don't mean every breathing moment, but atleast a decent amount of time excluded school. I feel like my importance in peoples lives have diminshed. I'd rather be gone then see this but at the same time people still have to live with or without you. I guess perhaps I am replacable.

Bitter Sweet

Tonight was the annual Sports Awards Dinner at my school. It's a way of getting all the teams at RFK together and honoring or rewarding thoughs who deserve it. However I can't help but feel tonight that this was not upheld.

Yes, I am bitter for not winning an award only because I know I deserved one. I can understand why I didn't win anything for Volleyball. Mainly because there's always going to be that one person that kisses so much ass that you can't help but consider them, but for tennis I'm really shocked.

I put so much time and energy into this years season it was ridiculous. Most of the time I felt like the coach, the manager, a player and the mascot because I had so many responsibilities because the other senior on the team couldn't. I devoted my time to doing practically everything and I'm upset that despite how much I do, I never get a thank you or any recognition. I remember calling my boyfriend after a game hysterically crying because I was so stressed out that I had no help. Everything was left for me to do. It's a shame that so many people get things that they honestly don't deserve. No, I'm not being a sore loser nor am I being a brat, I'm just telling the truth.

As I think about tonight, I start to care less because honestly I feel like I don't really need the recognition or the materialistic award because I know what I've accomplished. I'm actually kind of glad another person got the ward because maybe they need that extra confidence, but why at my expense? It just hurts to know that you've busted your ass for almost close to nothing. I'm glad I will never have to play an RFK sport again.

How would you feel?

Lovely Weekend

Almost every person in America has a bbq or goes to the beach on Memorial Day. I happened to do both :)

Yesterday I had a bbq/picnic with my boyfriend and his family. OF course meeting the parents is usual a nice thing but I'll admit I was kind of afraid. lol The day went by pretty well though. We went to the beach, played basketball, football, and baseball. I think my boyfriend loves how I'm not one of those girly girls who worry about braking a nail or getting dirty. We had a great time. After that we went miniature golfing and of course I won. Although Kwame has golfed several times I beat him fair and square. For my first time I did pretty well. Following that his Mom & her boyfriend drove me home and met my dad. They had a good conversation as I showed Kwame around my boring neighborhood. I'm glad that our parents got to talk and meet each other. I think they'll get along.

Since then I'm in a pretty good mood. Everything seems to be going well with my personal life. There are just a few things that can be changed with some other people. Overall I'm just happy that yesterday went by so smoothly.

Too Early, but Blog

It's about 8:00 in the morning and I'm still tired, but since I can not fall back asleep I've decided to write a little. Let's talk about the last few events that have happen.

Friday, I took the AP English Literature and Comp. Exam. To my surprise it was pretty easy. I stressed over that test for a while but I'm happy that I feel confident in myself. I'm sure I'll get a good grade on it.

Yesterday my friends and I went to Central Park. It was a cheesy Picnic to celebrate Mike's birthday which ended up being a great day. We played foot ball, ate some sandwiches and just chilled. I love how we can do the simplest things and still have as much fun as someone that went on a 1,000 shopping spree. They are all caring, respectful and open minded which makes them all great people.

I've just noticed that in the blogs I have written I have failed to say anything about my boyfriend, which is odd because he is probably the second most important person in my life. I think that if you're ever in a relationship with someone it should be productive. There's no need for expensive gifts that "symbolize" your love or other things that may seem unnecessary. What I love about him is how he is so much like me but then again he's not. We share the characteristics like being outgoing and energetic but then we are very different. I feel like our relationship is productive because we learn from each other. He teaches me to be suddle person and to say things with out provoking so much anger and I teach him to speak up and say how he feels. He's a passive aggressive person so even though he might be upset or not agree with something, he'll just sit there out of respect for you and just take it. I wish I had the strength to do this sometimes but then again if I changed completely the Casie that everyone knows of wouldn't be the same. He is the ONLY person who it ALWAYS there for me to talk, cry or spill out what ever's upsetting me. I always say I don't know where I found him from because if there is a perfect, he's pretty much close. Leaving him to go to college will definitely be hard but even through the hardships I know we'll prevail.

Moving on to other things, Prom is about a week and a half away and I am still not excited. I don't know what it is. I have a great group of friends that I'm sure we'll have a lot of fun, but I still feel indifferent. It's supposed to be "The Night of Your Life" but I think that's an overstatement.

I guess we'll have to see what happens.

Starting Over

This week there's a lot of stuff that's been happening that I'm just in the middle of. I try to make everyone happy, or try to atleast fix situations but in the end I am ultimately looked upon as being someone who is in it for no good.
I'm tired of being in situations because someone is doing something to someonelse who just happens to be loved and respected by people that I am close with. I'm just going to take a seat and sip some lemonade because I'm tired of stressing myself out by protecting people. Some people just have to learn that others may that the people you claim are
'"causing rucus " are actually trying to help, but maybe not you.

Seondly this week I've learned who real friends are. Real friends are thoughs people who look out for wyou no matter what. They try to save you from being hurt in any possible way, especially when you know someones past. I just wanna thank those of you who know your my friend. It's been a stressful week and we all need to just support each other.

Lastly, I have to admitt that I am happy to be leaving for college. Yes, I will miss some people but this is life. You move on to different steps that will take you further, leaving behind some extra baggage. I think this was one of the best decis ions I've made in my life. I need to get away and just leave some stuff behind. I need to test exactly what kind of people I've been dealing with these past couple of years and see which people actually care. I would never know that if I stayed or went to college with some of my friends. I need to know how to make new friends and meet new people and learn to make decisions on my own without someone trying to influence me other wise.

So let's start the countdown 45 more days.

something new

Blogging, according to my best friend Jen is a way to release your emotions and just say everything that's on your mind. It's that "person" or "people" who are always there to make the right comment or suggestion. Her suggestion to me is to create one ( no, really?)

I'm not completely sure how to go about starting this so I'll just write anything for now. My name is Casie Addison. I'm a senior at Robert. F. Kennedy High School. I am extremely sarcastic, funny and maybe loud sometimes lol. I think I have a great sense of humor and I try to lighten every situation. I love to play sports and just do things people wouldn't normally consider as fun. In some ways I can be described as weird because I don't watch t.v nor do I write in blue ink. These are just a few habits of mine. My favorite color is fuchsia and even if I ate an entire cow I would still make room for some Cold stone. Like every person in the world I have gone through situations and problems that no one deserves, but life moves on. Besides the negative things that have happened I am extremely grateful for the things that I have.

I have a best friend in the whole wide world that actually completes me. You're probably thinking "'sure everyone says that" or "they won't last long" but it's more than that.

Jennifer-Lee Pang is THE only person that tells me the truth no matter what. Whether I'm right or wrong she makes sure that I know the difference, but at the same time she supports every stupid idea, bad decision or absolute crazy plan I have next. Have you ever felt like there's one person that you just can't live without? Like if you didn't talk to them for a day it seemed that your whole world had just been turned upside down? Well that's how I feel about her. No matter what situation I'm in I know she's the only dependable person I have in my life besides my Mom. Despite the two years we have been close, she knows me far better than those that I've known for years. If I could I would say thank her every second for the things she's done for me but knowing her she would probably beat me up or start crying. Jennifer if your reading this, you already know. :)

So I guess this will complete my first blog post. There is surely more to come.....